Chromatic Musings

Ache

It hurts again
This familiar pain
The ache in your chest
The depressing rain
The gloomy sky
So high above
It feels cold
And chilly
And somehow wet
And it feels like
Just like
Suspended sorrow
Or grief
In midair
And it saddens me
Brings me down
Because it feels like
Everything is the same
Nothing is out of place
Or out of order
It's terribly dull
Nothing exciting
No adventure
To be found
Memories play
In the background
Flashbacks are common
As I stare
From the window
To the wavering reeds
That surround the pond
My eyes feel like crying
But I hold the tears back
I don't want them to see
The strong girl
Shed her weakness
Because she is the rock
The support
For everyone else
And she grows tired
Of her role
But what else
Can she do
But to fulfill her duty
She cannot escape
She must be there
Without her
Everything falls
And while it may seem
Nice to be important
It's also a big burden
To her
Which nobody else sees
And it makes her feel
A tad lonely
Because there's nobody there
To share what it feels
Not to talk
There's never time for her
Even though she makes time
For everyone else
For her
Everyone seems to disappear
When she's appeared
To them so many times
To provide comfort
Sometimes
She feels furious
And oh so hurt
But in the end
What does it matter
To feel that way
When nobody cares
To listen or to say
Before you can stop
A tear trails down
Pain builds up
In your chest
And you frown
At the drop
Of salty water
That landed
On your sleeve
Lost in your thoughts
For such a long time
I used my imagination
To support me
And I envisioned
People who cared
And people who
Listened
Spoke
I used fantasy
Lost wishes
Fading dreams
To grasp onto life
And onto hope
I used my heart
As my shield
And it turned
Into icy steel
That can't be fooled
With people's gestures
Charismatic words
Well meaning smiles
I'm so weary
Of all this
Acting I've done
A front to bring up
Because I won't
I can't
Bear it if
My heart
Is shattered
Again
Because it will
Definitely hurt
So much
I know it
And I'm wise
Enough to know
That I can't
Handle that
But an unspoken wish
Drifts up from within
So deep inside
My precious memories
My yearning heart
Wanting to smile
And laugh
And be happy
The wish
Of wanting
Someone
To come along
And understand
And to stay
And to not leave
Like everyone else
Has done
So many times
And my cheeks are aflame
Embarrassed at the audacity
Purely mortified shame
Because I don't deserve it
Not at any rate
But somehow
A part of me
Says I do
Though I call it vanity
And shove it all away
Restless nights
Are spent wondering
On what kind of guy
My future will bring
Or if I'm a girl
Who ends up alone
I turn over confused
Because I want to be
Independent
In every way
I can be
I protect my heart
Ever so zealously
It's a little scary
To think about
Being so vulnerable
But I comfort myself
With the thought
Of having someone
Who knows it all
And is there
To lend a shoulder
To rub my back
To wipe away
The mourning tears
To give a hug
To tease me
To ease away the fear
It sounds so much
To ask for
I feel utterly selfish
It's a secret desire
Just wanting
That special person
To heal this pain
It feels horrible
To expect all this
From one guy
But I dream
Of one day
Having that
Special bond
I don't want a boss
Nor a servant
No underling
No teacher
No parent
What I want
Is a best friend
A dear friend
A precious treasure
Someone to cherish
To give tender care
To wipe away each other's
Painful tears
And talk for so long
We don't even notice
The time passing by
I break this train
Of longing thoughts
And heave a great sigh
I act so cold
And tough
And cheerful
In life
But inside
I ache so bad
At wanting
Something that
This world
Can't offer
It has drugs
And violence
What I'm trying to say
I don't even know
But one thing is clear
And that is
The world
Just doesn't have
Enough love
And it shows.

~fin~