You're All I Need: Squeal of "Transfer to Help Himself"

Chapter 21- Before He Improved

 Before he started getting better, he got worse. The first few nights, his heart rate kept dropping. Sometimes, Carlos and TK would hear a 'code blue' and see the light flashing right outside of Buck's room while they were walking back from getting food. TK would break down crying while Carlos held onto him, dropping to his knees not saying a word. His world kept crashing with every minute it took to bring Buck back. Carlos would keep his composure, making sure he was there for TK. When they brought Buck back, Carlos would usher TK to the room and they would sit there, holding his hand, praying that he would get better.

When Carlos went home, because only one person was allowed to stay, he would break down alone. Finally letting his tears fall, screaming and yelling. He would throw whatever he could get his hands on at the walls. Sometimes Carlos would punch the wall. He didn't care about the pain or that he would have to fix it, Carlos wanted to get his frustration out. When he would go into work, his coworkers would ask what happened. Carlos never told them, he didn't want anyone to worry. His main focus was Buck, not himself.

TK cried. He would cry when he was alone and with others. TK had witnessed one of Buck's codes. He saw where the heart monitor had picked up and then suddenly flatlined. He saw the doctors doing chest compressions and shocking him while they ushered TK out of the room. He just fell into one of the waiting chairs and sobbed. Sometimes, the team and Carlos would be there and one of them would hold him while he sobbed. Other times, TK was alone and sobbed while the hospital staff kept glancing over, looking at him sorrowfully. It was times like these where TK had to remind himself not to fall back into the one thing that could ruin his life.

Everytime Buck coded and TK saw, the urge would grow. He fought himself not to steal something from the hospital anytime the nurses and doctors turned their back to him. TK just thought, 'If I did this, would Buck be happy with me?' and found himself just staying there, sticking to Buck's side.

The one time that Carlos allowed himself to cry, was when TK told him that he felt like he was going to relapse. It was after Buck's last code before he started improving. Carlos just started to cry and held TK close to him, whispering for him not to. TK just nodded along and let Carlos hold him close. But it wasn't enough. TK begged the nurses to let Carlos stay with them, and after some convincing, they did. Carlos would take watch of both TK and Buck at night, making sure both of them were ok. In return, TK would tell Carlos how he felt when he was by himself.

What they didn't know at the time, was that Buck could hear everything. When someone is in a coma, they can still hear. For Buck, what he heard was brought into his little world.

Buck had been here before. It was after the truck bombing. He had woken up in a world where he was with Maddie. Buck instantly knew that this wasn't real, because Maddie was talking about things she never had before. That was when he realized that what dream Maddie was telling him was what the real Maddie was saying. Each time that he would wake up in the world, every person that visited him would be there and tell him things that he shouldn't be able to hear or know.

This time, it was always TK saying that he missed him or for him to wake up. He heard when TK wanted to relapse and what Carlos would say. It made him want to wake up, but each time he tried, hands would force him back. All Buck wanted to do was hold his partners. His boyfriends. But he couldn't wake up. All he wanted to do was wake up.