ISSUES 2 II OUTERBANKS S3/S4

the weird part about love

"Spoken words on repeat over and over again."

❥

"Listen, my parents didn't want me to leave my home anymore but I've told them that I have to stop by", I hear Kiara speaking to JJ. "Well, you don't have to worry about me", JJ replies uninterestedly. I'm about to join these two when it their conversation gets a lot more interesting so I stay behind the house listening. 

I shouldn't do it and I don't feel good about it but when Kie is asking what's bugging JJ and if Pope said something I furl my eyebrows. Why would Pope say something to him? What could it be about if it only involves Kie and JJ? I hate being jealous or hurt because of a boy but I remember some words JJ used to make a reference.

"Of course I'm hitting on her. She's a super hot, rich, hippie chick who hangs out with us. Why? I can't figure it out either, but who cares, bro? Just because she threw me into the friendzone once, doesn't mean that she would do it again."

„I'll be sent back to New York." „Maybe That would be better."

"You're a kook, Isabella. Don't even act like you're a fucking pogue because you're not. And I definitely won't be dating a kook, let alone the kook princess who's involved with the Cameron's. I don't care about you anymore. Kie's hotter anyways."

"J, are you breaking up with me?" "Great, you finally got the memo. Don't come back here."

"I know he's not amused about how it ended with him and I but it's over for us. But something's bugging you." Why would Pope be jealous? Come on, JJ, say something that contradicts all my worries. "It's just weird what almost happened between us on that boat.. so damn weird", he says instead. 

What almost happened on that boat? He must mean Rafe's boat.. something must have happened between them on their way back to Kildare. What if they kissed or even..? No, JJ wouldn't. Kie wouldn't do that. Kie's my cousin, my sister. JJ promised me it's us. Us against the world. 

"Yeah, yeah. I mean for me it was weird either but.. not in a bad way." "No, not in a bad way." What the hell are they talking about? I try to get some more information so I take one step forward and out of the spot in which I hide so I can see both of them now. What a timing, Iz. They're about to kiss. I was wrong. They would do this to me.

"What are we doing here? What are we doing here? We shouldn't do this", JJ backs away before something could happen. I'm trying to tell myself that this is a good sign. JJ backed away because of me. No, he's always wanted Kie. No, he.. 

"We shouldn't do this." "Yeah", Kie regrets. "We shouldn't. I mean it wouldn't work out anyways", JJ states, "Right? I mean look at you with your new clothes. What do I have? This? The damn cabin?" I wince by the sound of JJ dropping his sprays to the ground and raising his voice. 

This is not JJ, not the JJ that I loved so deeply. "Shit, I don't even have parents." "I know but-" "But what do you care about it? I'm just a random loser." "JJ-" "I don't mean anything to you." "JJ, no, you're not. Hey. No, you're not, okay?", Kie snaps at him. 

"No, your parents live in Figure Eight, right? Sure, that's your future. You've got everything." "But when you need us, we help you", Kie cries, "I mean, I help you." "Look, that's exactly what I mean", JJ yells at her, "You can just say it like that and you know why? You're a kook. You're a kook, Kiara."

"You're a kook, Isabella. Don't even act like you're a fucking pogue because you're not."

"Yes, I'm a kook. I was such a kook the past weeks when you and I stayed on a lonely island for a month. I was such a badass kook", Kie replies sarcastically. "That's not what I'm talking about", JJ snaps at her, "Kie, drop it. You're not pogue enough to tell your dear cousin about what's happened." 

That's the moment when I leave. At first I walk but then I run away. I thought I'd come back home, come back to JJ, feel safe. Now I feel shattered, betrayed by the ones I loved the most. They might not have kissed but I could tell that they've betrayed me on an emotional basis.

"Isabella, you're back from poguelandia as well", Heyward chuckles when I arrive at his house to talk to Pope. The Heywards are in the middle of dinner with Cleo. "Sorry, I didn't think about the time. I don't mean to interrupt dinner", I say confused. I should laugh. Heyward made a joke about Poguelandia. But inside of me, I feel lost. I feel empty, lost, numb like I've just lost everything. JJ and I was everything that I've believed in. 

"No, Isabella, you're always welcome", Lucia, Pope's mom, makes clear, "Come on, sit down, dear." "What's wrong?", Cleo asks me worriedly. The mixture of all those different emotions causes the first teardrop to run down my cheek. "JJ and Kie", I whisper in a shaky voice, „They.. JJ and Kie.." Pope looks at me sadly.

Did JJ even ever love me? He's always hated my circumstances. Whenever life wasn't easy, he spoke about me being a kook non-stop.

"What? Don't act like I'm being crazy now. Seriously, Iz, are you even a pogue? You live on Figure Eight, you meet kooks, you even act like one."

"You don't know what exactly? If you can accept my friends, the place where I live, or just me?"

"How was it with Rafe and Topper? Macked on them?"

"You have to make a decision. Kooks or pogues."

But I made a decision. I chose the pogue life. I chose the pogue life when I decided to spend summer with my friends hanging around other peoples' houses and go treasure hunting. I chose them when I stood up for them at the kegger and when I stole the drone with them. I chose each one of them when I entered the house to get the gold risking my life. I made a decision when I turned my back on my own family and when I jumped off the costal venture to be with them. 

"You saw them, right?", I ask Pope not being mad at him for not telling me. Pope's the most precious human being I know. I could never be mad at him for something that I can understand myself. Even if he wanted to tell me, there wasn't the right moment yet. "I would have told you and spoken to them the next time we'd be all around each other", Pope nods giving me another sad look. Pope and Cleo pull me into a hug. "Welcome to the 'no love'-club."