words i'll never say

i

i'm so sick of this
i told myself i wouldn't get attached because im so unlikable there's no chance in the world he could like me
which he doesn't
they just broke up like a month ago
i can't be mad
i am mad
very mad
im sad too
im embarrassed and humiliated
because this isn't the first time this has happened to me
it happens every time
but i feel so alone
im the only single one in my friend group
and i try to pretend like i don't want to date and that i just want to focus on me
but god does it bother me
it bothers me so much
and i feel so alone
because on one hand i don't want to date it sounds so fucking miserable
but maybe it's better than what im feeling now
everyone is in a relationship
and im not
and what's funny is everyone tells me how pretty i am
i'm not even making that up
i don't feel pretty
i feel gross
i hate the way i look
i hate how dramatic i am
this is so dramatic and embarrassing and stupid
and i'm stupid and ugly and gross and annoying and ridiculous and emotional and dramatic and tall and terrible and annoying and lazy and worthless and nothing
im such a nothing
i try to pretend im not
like there's some hope for me but there's not
im nothing
and i feel sorry for myself
i feel sorry for my friends that they have to exist with me
i feel sorry for my family that they have to be seen with me
i feel sorry for my team that they have to put up with a lazy ass player like me
i don't even work hard
and they think i do
i dont
not compared to everyone else
and my coach is proud of me for being in therapy and working on myself at this age
it'll pay off
it won't
i don't do shit
i don't talk about my problems
i don't journal
i don't make art
i don't do anything
i escape
i watch so much fucking tiktok
i feel so fucking disgusted with myself
i'm such a fucking loser
yet people look up to me and i see it all the time
i don't know how
i don't do shit
i hate myself
god i hate myself
i feel sorry for myself
i don't deserve love
a boyfriend
friends
anything really
i don't deserve attention or affection
i think the universe knows that and that's why im so unlikable
i can't even fucking do anything about it
im too scared to off myself
i barely even hurt myself
cats scratch harder than i do
im so fucking dramatic
this all started because a guy i like isn't over his ex
can you believe that
people get abused and raped and im whining because a guy doesn't like me
how dramatic is that
i shouldn't be in therapy other people should people who actually need it people who will actually be something someday
not me
kids go to school and get shot at they deserve therapy
im just a whiny teenager
ungrateful selfish bitch
instead my mom pays 100 dollars a month for me to sit in a chair and lie straight to her face
and my doctors face
i mean she checked for my scars today
to see if i was lying
i was
and she almost caught me
i've been in therapy for a year and a half and i never stop lying
what's even the point anymore
i don't talk about my problems
because so many other people have it worse i don't deserve to cry about it
i haven't even told her why i don't talk why i am the way i am
isn't that funny
im too scared to talk to my therapist
who makes a living off of sitting in a chair and giving advice
but he screwed me up so much im too ashamed to even type it out
it's so shameful how someone as pathetic as him still has an affect on me almost 3 years after the fact
im so embarrassed about it
im so fucking ridiculous
im such a fucking fraud
i don't talk to anyone
because he wouldn't listen
i feel this way because he told me im emotional and dramatic and he's right
and it's been almost 3 years
why am i still upset about this
i shouldn't be
fuck this is embarrassing
so fucking embarrassing