words i'll never say

v

i feel fucking crazy
half of my brain is screaming he likes me
while the other half is telling me he doesn't
he's hugged me
told me he loves talking to me in a class
told me he wants to hang out with me and watch scary movies
but with no evidence at all
i can still sit here and cry because obviously he doesn't
obviously when he wants to talk all the time
he doesn't like me
obviously when he wants to make plans
he doesn't like me
and it makes me so sad
because i don't feel pretty enough or good enough or anything
because obviously he doesn't like me
that's what's happening
he just wants to be friends
or he's using me
or he thinks i'm a loser
i just want to be with him so bad
all the time
i want to hug him
i want him to want to hug me
or some stupid shit
but obviously he doesn't
i'm crazy
when he wants me to talk about stuff and talk about my mom or me being sad
he doesn't like me he's just being friendly
i just really want to be wrong
and i'm so scared that i'm right
and i can't talk to anyone abt it because my best friend is tired of hearing abt it
i knew he would be
i'm tired of hearing abt it i'm tired of this part of whatever relationship we could be
i just want to be with him
and hang out with him
but i can't get past the fact that if he doesn't like me i look so fucking desperate
because i am
not desperate for a relationship just desperate to be with him
no one else
i'm scared
i'm so scared that i'm right
i'm always right
but i want to be wrong so bad
never in my life have i wanted to be wrong
i can't wait more than 5 minutes sometimes to open his snaps
to talk to him
to see him
i want to make plans i want to be around him so much
but i'm so scared he doesn't feel the same
even though he genuinely is busy
his brother graduated yesterday
the day before i was busy
i'm not mad at him or upset with him
i'm just afraid that if we don't hang out soon we never will
idk what to do
i'm so tired of crying
comparing myself to his ex
it hurts so much knowing i'm not prettier than her
i'm so jealous of her
so jealous
even though she was the problem
but he wanted her
that's why i'm so jealous
cause maybe if i look like her or act like her in the ways he liked abt her he'll want me too
i'm i don't look like her at all
i'm all opposite
she's short and pretty and has perfect skin and perfect hair and perfect clothes and perfect friends and so many other things
i'm tall
super skinny
no boobs no butt
bad skin
bad hair
bad clothes
i just want to look like her so he'll like me
but then it's like babe he does like you
but i can't tell
because idk
i just want to be with him so bad
it's not his fault
i'm just so crazy