words i'll never say

back at school

we're back at school now
and i had one class with you
but i'm moving out
and thank god i am
because i see the glances you give me
and it breaks me a little
just enough
for me to go back to that place again
where i really liked you
but i don't anymore
i know i dont
because when i look at you now
well
i want to look away
you're just another face to me
another person i used to know
but maybe not even that
i forget about what happened
and feel stupid and embarrassed when i remember
because you don't care
and because it's been awhile i don't remember you ever caring
but then i look at you again
in your face
in your eyes
and sometimes your eyes met mine
and then i realize
i think you're thinking about it too
i don't know what it is you're saying about me in your head
because you talk shit about me
but i think
or hope
that maybe a little bit you miss me
or think about me
probably not in the magnitude of how i do
but i don't know
at first when we had class again i thought for sure not
when you asked if i needed a paper and gave me one
i knew you weren't
because i was and i couldn't look at you
but you looked at me
and talked to me
so you couldn't have been thinking about it
or "us" i guess
or the absence of the fact because well
we never were together
no matter how much i wish we were
or wish we weren't
we weren't anything
and so i can't look at you
because i think i'm afraid of liking you again
because i can't embarrass myself like that again
and so that's why i thought you weren't thinking about it
because you seemed to have forgotten how dirty you did me
how much you embarrassed me
but maybe that's how that works i don't know
but then when we were upstairs
i was laughing with jack
being annoying
and you looked at me like how you used to
a quick glance
but you looked like you wanted to smile
i don't know
but every time i checked to see if you were
it looked like you were trying to get in on me and jacks conversation
but i'm probably wrong
because i was very wrong about you
well
i was right about you
but i ignored my gut
so
but i want you to know
i can feel your stare
or glance
i think i'll always check if your looking at me
and i think i'll always miss our almost
it will haunt me forever
okay
not forever
but if i ever talk to someone again
it will haunt me
lure over me
in the back of my mind
telling me i should never feel secure
because this happened
because you lied to me
pretended to like me
or something
i'll never know
but you will haunt me
maybe not now
but in the future
when i find someone attractive
i'll think about the road i went down with you
the many car accidents i almost got in on the way home from school
because i couldn't stop crying
and all the traffic lights i would wait at
sobbing
sobbing
sobbing
because i felt so unworthy
how i would never be enough for you
how
how could feelings this complex stem from such a simple crush
a smidge of attraction
sitting next to the same person you had sat next to for the whole year
how
how could someone have that affect on me
make me so miserable
and what's worse is that it's not your fault
not entirely
the days where i did nothing because you were talking to me
that was mine
my fault
but i had so much hope for us
or what i thought we were
man
i wanted so much to happen
and now i look back
and i look your feet when i talk to you
the paper you hand me
anything to avoid you
and your eyes
and your hair
and your hands
because it reminds me that you are still you
but it doesn't remind me of who you actually are
the kind of person to talk shit about a person who you screwed over
who you lead on for months because you were lonely
or something
i don't know the real you
because i thought that your eyes told all of you
everything you thought were in your eyes
but somehow with such sweet eyes has a mouth that says the meanest things
i don't know which is real
your words
your actions
or your eyes
how can the same person
hug me
tell me your proud of me
you want to go to my games
look at me with what i thought was affection
call me a crazy bitch
tell your friends you would never date me
and never have the guts to actually let me know about hanging out
i don't get it
how people switch up so quick
but still look at me the same
i don't understand
how you have the same look in your eyes
when you say you like me
and when you say you would never date someone like me
maybe i am a crazy bitch
for making things this deep
but that's how someone like me takes things
deeply
i feel everything deeply
i've never felt one emotion shallowly
i'm always super happy
or super sad
or super mad
or deeply hurt
that's what i am
deeply hurt
and i guess
deeply crazy