words i'll never say

xi

it's been about a week now
i still miss you
i hate that i miss you
i hate that i still want you
i hate it
so much
i hate how every song makes me think of you
in good ways and bad ways now
because you really hurt me
by leading me on or whatever you want to call it
i wish you were ready for another relationship
everyone thought you were
that's what my friend said
man i could see it on her face too
she knew you were moving on
and now i'm embarrassed
because i guess you weren't
she thought it
you brothers thought it
i think maybe your dad thought it
you friends thought it
even the clueless and careless ones
but most importantly i thought it too
and i now i know you weren't
i guess
and i'm so embarrassed
i was so excited
so hopeful
so happy
that's what hurts the most
i thought we would actually work out
i almost had you
i thought
and i didn't
the whole time i guess you knew you didn't want it
or maybe you didn't know
i don't know which is worse
you knew you didn't want a relationship but you still flirted with me
or
you thought you wanted it but then you realized you didn't
either way
i'm still so sad about it
now i have to tell everyone it didn't work
everyone who thought you and i we're gonna be together next
i have to some how slip in how single i am or whatever
how we didn't work out
because everyone knew we liked eachother
i wish i could look in your pretty blue eyes
they are so pretty
i never told you
but every time i saw them i thought it
they drove me crazy
any doubt i ever had about you liking me would fade
because your eyes told it all
you would look at me like you cared about me
more than just good friends
i wish i could apologize more
idk
maybe it would make you want me again
maybe if i had tried harder to look better
it would make you want me again
i never told you either but i love your hair
okay maybe i shouldn't say love
i loved how messy it was
how you never did it ever
not even for your brothers graduation
it made me smile
and i always always always wanted to run my hands through it
if i ever had the chance
and your hands
they always looked so soft
i wanted to hold them
especially when you said you punched something
i couldn't hear you when you said what it was
i'm sorry i'm basically deaf
but i wanted to run my thumb across your knuckle when it was scabbed
i know this is cringe
but i'm saying it because i haven't wanted this with someone if forever
sure i've had crushes
but those weren't the same
i never wanted to hold they're hands
or play with their hair
or go to their soccer games just so they could walk me to my stupid car
why did you do that
why did you have to be sweet
and make me laugh
and make me smile
and make me feel all these things for you
just to take it all away
it sucks
i wish you knew how bad it sucks
maybe then you would snap me again
or something
idk