words i'll never say

loved

i just want to be loved
is that so much to ask for
i can't even fathom how much i yearn
how much i long
for someone to choose me
and want me
outside of a friendship
someone who checks a lot of my boxes
someone i don't feel like i'm settling for because there's no one else
however
beggars can't be choosers
and to be real
really real
there's no one
no one likes me
no one thinks im funny
no one wants to make me smile just to see it
no one sees the little things about me
and it breaks my heart
so much
i have friends
good friends
kinda
i don't know
and i love them
and i know that they love me
and they have taught me a certain kind of love
but how come each of them get both kinds
they are all in a relationship
besides like 2 people
and i hate to be whiney
but it really sucks
especially when i have liked people
noticed the little things
their eyes
their hair
their freckles
whatever
and i just want someone to want me
not just anyone
not someone i have to settle for
someone good and selfishly to be attractive too
i know that's terrible
not like in the socitical attractive
someone who's attractive to me
not my best guy friend
it's not that he's ugly
i just don't like him like that
maybe it comes off that way
because he's the only guy to give me attention in
a long time
but i don't
im not super picky
but im scared
that no one else will come
because no one else has
or at least stayed longer than a few months
i've never been bought flowers just cause
or been able to buy someone flowers either
no one has ever held me while i cried
i really can't think of many times a friend or family member has
this sounds so sexual but i'm so touch deprived
no one has ever wanted to kiss my forehead or put their hand on my knee in a non sexual way
i've focused on school
i've focused on basketball
i've focused on friends
i've focused on family
i've focused on me
why can't i have this
why don't i deserve this
i don't know what i did or didn't do
i've picked up hobbies
tried working on my mental health
bought clothes and makeup
cut my hair and i've grown it out
i've been quiet
i've been loud
and i've been social
and non social
why do i have to crawl back into my bed
every single night
with no special someone to text or call
just friends
which is good
i don't want them to go away
i don't know what i would do without them
but i would love a good morning text
a goodnight text
with a little heart next to it
i just want the love i've always wanted
and i don't think i can ever get it
because after this
it's college boys
how much better can they be
they're the same boys we have here
now
just a year or two older
and then what
what if no one comes during college
then what
i go to grad school
what if no one comes then
surely i won't have time anyway
and then what
i get a job
and hope the picture perfect coworker is there
and if they're not?
then what
love isn't guaranteed
especially not the kind i want
or wish rather
no maybe dream is better
the love i dream of is in stories
in the books i read
and on tiktok
so it can't be real
not for me
maybe i can love someone that way
but i don't think anyone could return it
i hope so
i dream of it
every night
i dream of some imaginary character
a wizard
a god
a teen from the 80s
rarely a real life person
a celebrity
someone
anyone
to give me love the way i want it
dream it
i cuddle my pillow
and i hug it tight
and i put a mini squishmallow as the head
and i pretend someone is holding me
and i'm holding them
and i play with my hair or rub my leg
or my waist
and pretend it's them
how sad is that
how pathetic
it makes my chest hurt how sad it is
and i really do pretend
any situation
they're comforting me
im comforting them
sometimes it's a plot to the movie to which the character belongs
or maybe it's the subplot i made up and fit myself into
which ruined the movie for me
sometimes it's banter
sometimes it's arguing
sometimes it's a love confession
sometimes i don't
like tonight
until i realize i can't fall asleep without jt
but nights like tonight
are the most painful
i feel the most disgusted with myself
my face is wet
i can't breathe out of my nose
and my towel is covered in snot
because i don't want someone to walk in and see tissues everywhere
my leg hair is long
my hair is greasy even though i washed it at like 5
im starving because it's so late
my back and neck hurts from looking at my phone all day
and i have never
ever
felt more pathetic
more upset
in my life
my eyes are like golf balls now
and my shirt is covered in mucus too
and my eyelashes are stuck together
and all i want
all j really want
is for someone who i really love
and really trust
someone who i wouldn't try to pretend that i'm not crying and that im fine
and for them to just hug me and hold me
and play with my hair
and tell me they love me
and bring me some water
and some snacks
and tell me it's gonna be okay
and that they love me
and they'll lay next to me
and wipe my tears
and insist i lay on their chest
and i'll do it
im gonna do it now
right now
im gonna lay on his chest
and he'll wipe my tears
and tell me he loves me
but i won't hear his heartbeat
it's just feathers or fluff
and he doesn't love me
no one has
just loved me
not a relationship or sexual shit
no one has ever just loved me
and i wish i coukd just rip my heart out
i just want to scream
scream
scream
im tired of writing now
no one will read it
which is for the better
fuck