Kari

17.

"Shawn stop!" I yelled but it was like he couldn't even hear me as he knocked everything down in the living room "Please!" I strained as I watched him rip our tv off our wall

"You think you special?!" Shawn snapped walking up to me I backed up trying to create space between us as my breathing got heavier

"You ain't shit without me Kari" Shawn took another step "No matter who you fuck or who you call yourself dating"

"That nigga will never love you or treat you the way I did" Shawn patted his chest walking closer to me again I took another step back

"Leave me alone Shawn!" I screamed Shawn grabbed me "Shut the fuck up" he gritted my whole body tensed up as tears blurred my vision

"I'm going to make your life a living hell Kari, you think shit sweet?" he tilted his head as his grip got tighter

"Your hurting me Shawn!" I yelled "Didn't I say shut the fuck up" He yelled letting me go and wrapping both his hands around my neck

I gasped sitting up in my bed breathing heavy trying to calm down sweat covered my body I touched my neck looking around my pitch black room

That dream felt so real his hand felt like they were actually choking me I grabbed my phone looking at time

3:05 am shining bright on my phone I sighed wiping my face throwing my legs over the side of my bed and walking into my bathroom resting my body against the counter and looking into the mirror

As much as I tried to push Shawn to the back of my mind I still was very much healing from him and it was hell

The nightmares occurred almost twice a week and the random thoughts and sadness about him would flood my mind

It was like at times my brain would forget all the bad memories and flood my mind with the good ones I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him because I did

He was my everything at one point of my life, my daily routine now I'm missing that, it was hard to rebuild a routine without him but I was doing it slowly

I always made sure to embrace every emotion I felt to not prolong my healing process and I also reminded myself to not rush the healing process because that was something I always caught myself doing

I washed my face with cold water before turning on the shower leaving the water cold I stripped out of my clothes getting in and standing completely under the shower head

After standing under the water for two seconds the water works came I sobbed holding my hands to my face

my shoulder shook as I continued to cry, this was fucked.

It was crazy how the closest ones to your heart were the hardest ones to get over. Times like these always made me want to turn completely heartless on people but I knew that wasn't healthy it never was

Trying to convince yourself your heartless is the dumbest thing you could ever do. No human being on earth is heartless we all feel emotions wether it's happiness or anger we feel some type of emotion.

That's what we thrive off of emotion so instead of trying to push it away, embrace it. It's natural and normal.

but we are often told especially within the black community we cannot act on our emotions because that shows you care and that you are weak

Instead of trying to suppress the fact that we "don't care" embrace that we do care because all that energy of you trying to convince yourself that you don't care is the very reason showing that you do care, you cared so much your trying your hardest to put on the act of nonchalantness. Trying to be nonchalant has never helped in the long run.