Kari

48.

"So Kari, last session we went over your trauma with your father with him not being in your life till now"

I nodded as I psat directly in front of her, I flew her out for my session because I did not want to do them over zoom

Something about talking to a screen just wasn't enough for me

"Today we are going to move on to, Shawn" A chill ran down my spine as she said his name I haven't thought about this man in months

"Okay" I said softly as I moved in my seat "I can tell his name alone makes you uncomfortable" Dr. Lamar wrote in her pad I sighed

"Okay, tell me the history between you and Shawn"

"Um" I played with my fingers "So I met him my freshman year of college" I stopped talking moving in my seat again

"Take your time" Dr. Lamar "Yeah so we met freshman year of college it started off innocent he was my first boyfriend, first love and first body"

"He was my first everything" I sighed looking down at the ground "Junior year he cheated on me"

"How was that?"

"Heartbreaking felt like my heart was stabbed then stomped on"

"How did you find out?"

"A video was sent to me" I spoke softly Dr. Lamar nodded as she wrote something down again "In the video it was him and my cousin in his car having sex

"And how did you move forward from there?" Dr. Lamar asked me "I stopped talking to my cousin and Shawn"

"It didn't last long because about nine months later me and Shawn started messing around again"

"Was it better this time?"

"No" I shook my head "It got worse, he didn't want to claim me as his girlfriend, he would still have sex with different girls here and there while filling my head with sweet nothings"

"Then he eventually put his hands on me" I felt my eyes water I blinked fast to stop myself from crying Dr. Lamar grabbed a tissue handing it to me "It's okay sweetie, crying is apart of healing"

I nodded allowing the tears to fall "Why did he put his hands on you?"

"We were arguing about birth control and he didn't like the way I was talking to him and he slapped me"

"And how was he after?"

"It was the honeymoon stage, where he promises to never do it again and all of the other fake promises" This is what upset me the most with me being apart of law enforcement I deal with domestic violence cases all the time

The violence start small then it continues to get worse, I'm glad I was smart enough to get out of the situation before he ended up killing me

"And after that?"

"We went back to how we were before, date nights, the gifts etc."

"Then I went to visit him again one day and he was having sex with another girl in the same bed I would sleep in"

"Telling her he loved her when he would never say those words to me, it hurt me so much made me feel like I wasn't enough" Tears continued to fall

"Then he puts his hands on me again and completely dismissing my feelings"

Dr. Lamar nodded "Kari you have extreme attachment issues" Kari nodded "Yeah I know this" I chuckled wiping a tear that fell

"You also suffer from avoidant attachment style"