I look down at my lap. I'm holding the blade in my hand, thinking about my next move.
I move it to my bare thigh. I stop when I feel the cold material against it.
Why won't meredith leave my head? She's going to leave me if i do this. I don't deserve her anyway. But I need her. This will hurt her. I can't hurt meredith.
I pull the blade away and put it aside. I pull up my trousers. I put my face in my hands, trying to calm down.
I grab my phone. I call Mark. "Hey" he says. "Hi, do you want to meet up?" I ask. "Yeah sure.. you okay?" He asks.
"Not really.. I need to get my mind off of things and I don't want to stress out meredith" I say. "I'll pick you up" he says. "Okay" I say. He hangs up.
My phone rings as soon as I get into marks car. "Hi baby" I answer it. "Hey.. can I come over?" She asks. "I'm out with mark, my love.. w-we can pick you up?" I suggest. "Okay" she says.
I put the phone in my pocket. "I thought you were avoiding her" he says. "I am.. but you're here so I'm hoping she won't ask too many questions to me" I say. "Fair enough" he says.
We go to her house. I go to her front door to walk her back to the car. She walks out. "Hi der" she hugs me. "Hello beautiful" I hug her tight. She kisses me.
"You haven't text me all day.. I was worried" she says. "I'm fine.. sorry" I say. "Its okay" she says.
"Front or back baby?" I ask. "I'll sit in the back" she says. I open the car door for her and close it when she gets in. I get back in the front.
She reaches forwards and grabs my hand. I reach back and move it to the back area so she can entwine our fingers.
"Where are we going?" She asks. "Just back to my place" Mark says. "Okay" she says.
"What have you been doing today der?" She asks. "Nothing much baby, just watching tv" I look at her through the mirror infront of me. She leans forwards. I look back at her and force a smile.
She kisses me softly. "Are you okay?" She asks. "Of course I am" I say. We arrive at marks house. We go up to his room.
"Mark, your room is disgusting" she says. "Thanks" he says sarcastically. I chuckle. She starts cleaning his room as me and Mark sit on his bed, talking.
"Can I have this?" She puts on one of his jackets. "No, you can steal your boyfriends clothes.. leave mine alone" he says. I chuckle. She giggles.
"This is mine now" she says. He sighs, looking at me. I pull her onto my lap. "Give him his jacket back" I say. She shakes her head. I nod.
"I'll buy you a new jacket" I say. "I like this one" she says. "No" I say. She nods.
"I don't want you to wear another boys jacket" I say. "Cry about it" she says. I gasp quietly but chuckle. "How would you feel if I wore another girls hair tie on my wrist?" I ask. "I wouldn't care" she says.
"You're a bully" I pull the jacket off of her. She giggles. I pass it to mark. "Fine, I get three of your jackets then" she says. "No" I chuckle. She nods.
"Mark, why are you being mean to me?" She looks at him. "I'm being delightful" he says. She giggles.
"How's it going with addison?" She asks. I look at him. "Its going good" he smiles. "Good" she smiles.
"You like her more than you liked me?" She asks. "Meredith" me and Mark say. She giggles. "You're not funny" I say. She grins.
"Yes I do" he says. "Wow" she says, offended. I chuckle. "I like her more too" I say. She punches me hard in my arm. "Ow!" I yell.
"Take that back right now" she says. "I take it back.. I was joking" I kiss her.
She pulls away slowly. "Ow, fuck mer.. you didn't have to do it that hard" I hold my arm. "I'm sorry" she giggles softly. She kisses me again.
"Dead leg!" I punch her thigh. "Owww!" She yells, her body collapsing forwards into me. Me and Mark laugh.
"Ow Ow Ow Ow!" She whines into my shoulder. I rub her thigh gently. "Payback.. sorry baby" I say. She pulls away slowly.
"I hate you" she says. "I love you too" I kiss her. She chuckles. I punch her leg again in the same spot, very gently. She whines. "Babe don't" she fake sobs. I chuckle.
"That actually hurt so bad" she rubs her thigh. "Sorry" I say. "I'll finish cleaning" she glares at mark, standing up. "I didn't ask you to" he chuckles. She keeps tidying up.
Me and Mark continue our conversation about addison and him. "I'm probably getting more action than you" Mark says. Meredith looks at us.
"We have a very fulfilling sex life, thank you very much" she sits on my lap. "Right" Mark chuckles. "Did you get a blowjob in the shower this morning? No? Then derek wins" she says.
"Thanks babe" i chuckle. She giggles. "what would you do without me?" She grins, kissing me softly. "I don't know" I smile. She kisses me.
"Addison won't give blowjobs" he says. "Why not?" I ask. "She thinks they're gross" he rolls his eyes.
"I didn't want to give derek them at first.. I think once you fall in love with the person, you'd want to do anything for them.. thats how I felt at least" she shrugs. I smile at her.
"Do you find them gross still?" I ask. "I probably enjoy them more than you" she giggles. I chuckle.
"Anyway, have you gone down on her?" She asks. "No" he says. I slap his arm. She scoffs. "You can't expect them to do it if you won't even do it yourself" I say.
"Well what if she still won't after?" He asks. "Then deal with it.. a good boyfriend would" she says. I nod in agreement.
"That's what you'd do if she refused to? Continue giving her what she wants anyway?" He asks.
"We've been together for long enough that we're practically already married.. all that matters is that she gets what she wants" I say. She giggles. He chuckles. We continue talking.
