I've been struck by surprise
Oh I've been struck by surprise
This feeling is violent and empty and sickening
But it is also freeing and electric and new
Life could've been so easy if I was only living for me
Life would've been so easy if I put myself first from the start
But I'm angry and full of fire and tears and they fight each other to no end
And I want to fall to my knees and weep until I die
And I want to scream so loud the windows shatter
And I want to throw expensive pottery around
And I want to knock down the doors and kick down the walls
And I want to cry, I haven't cried in a long time
No tears fell when my world fell apart
No tears fell when I thought I would die
No tears fell when I was alone
No tears fell
There were never any tears
I must cry but I've forgotten how
I must scream but this voice knows no sound
I'm terrified, horrified, never been so afraid
But I'm alive
I'm alive and I live this life by my own terms
And I'm scared and I want to cry and I want to scream
And I hurt
There is only hurt
I feel nothing but hurt
Hurt and pride
But still I smile
This smile taunts me, haunts me to no end
This little laugh kills me
I know I must ask for help
I know
I won't
I want hope that tomorrow won't feel like today
I want to be sure nobodies gonna leave
I've been abandoned twice now
How the fuck did I get abandoned by both parents and different times
I'm laughing but it's not funny
I'm so scared
I'm vulnerable and I could be used and hurt
I want to put my trust in those I love
In some ways I have
In some ways I need to learn
Im horrified
And yet I know that i'm still me
And somehow that makes me feel okay
I know in my heart I've done nothing wrong
Everything everyone does is a reaction to something that's already been done
I'm empty
I'm so full of fiery rage
I'm so young
I'm too old for this
I'm just a baby
I've been grown for years
EVERYONE IS SO FUCKING CHILDISH I CANT FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE.
And I say nothing
And I am silent
And I put up with everything
And I'm so tired
I always feel so crazy
I always feel so fucking crazy what is wrong with me
What is wrong with me
I don't think there's anything wrong with me
I know I've been wronged
Will the people believe me over them
No
No they wouldn't
I'm trapped knowing I've been wronged
I'm going to have to cry eventually
I feel like I'm trying so hard
So much effort
Everything I have every day
All for what
Nothing
Nothing
There's nothing
I am left as I began
With nothing
I want to be fine so people think I'm fine
I want to be fine so my friends still stay by me
I want to be fine so I am not a burden
I want to be fine because I want to be a good boyfriend
I want to be fine for me
I want to be fine
This is what pain is
