Shawn Mendes Imagines

Love Letter - Part 2

Dear Y/N,

It's Shawn.

Before you crumble up this letter and throw it away, please just give me a chance to explain some things to you.

Y/N, I am such an idiot. Looking back, I would change so many things, it's like I would rather everything happen differently, Y/N. I am so stupid, so at least we can agree on something before you continue.

I never meant to hurt you or myself... it was never my intention to put you in such a situation and then not even be there to help you get through it. I'm so incredibly sorry about everything you had to go through, alone, too. God, I'm such an idiot.

I'm not asking you to forgive me, because I realize that what I did was unforgivable and that's, well, not okay but I deserve it. But I do want you to understand.

In my mind, I was just scared. I was scared of what could happen to us if you went through with it, I was scared for you and I was selfishly scared for myself, what might happen to me and my life. It's not that I didn't believe you-- I was in denial. My brain couldn't wrap around the fact that it was true.

I realize now that it was. I realize just how much I have hurt you, and to lie awake every night replaying that in my head feels completely awful, Y/N, it hurts so bad. I never thought I would become a person like that.

Everything I did beforehand was all because I was trying to protect you. Suggesting those things was me being selfish, at first, but soon became all about saving you... saving you from ruining your life. But I realize now that nothing was ruined except your heart, and now mine. For that, I cry so hard sometimes I can't even feel my hands or feet. It's like a big hole of emptiness sitting inside me, it's absence mocking me every day.

I can't handle missing you this way and knowing you would still be here if I hadn't done the things I did and said the things I said, no matter how many times I try to deny it.

I didn't know I would ever be so... destroyed. All because I ruined something so beautiful. I didn't even know I would ever find something as beautiful as us, so I wasn't expecting it to go down this way, of course.

I recognize everything I did wrong and I'm trying to take responsibility for it, I'm really trying. I'm not good with words, honestly. I just want to have you back. I don't know how I can go on without you.

I guess that's what I'm trying to say. I never knew what I was feeling when we were together, but I knew it was something great-- something that made me feel happy, and comfortable, and hopeful. But I really, really, really fully understood what it was as soon as it slipped through my fingers.

Y/N, I'm just trying to say that I love you.

I love you, Y/N.

I keep sugarcoating it with words I can't even form to sound like a big romantic scene, because I understand how big this mess is and those words aren't going to magically fix everything!

But please don't just walk away thinking it was never going anywhere anyway because if you give me another chance, which is out of the question, I know we could have a future. Together.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That might not be what you want, but I'm never going to stop loving you, ever.

Look at me, you won't even talk to me so here I am telling you that I love you for the first time through a handwritten letter. You're not even going to take it from me, I know that for sure, so if you're reading this right now it's because my plan is to shove it in your binder or yearbook or something.

Yeah, I'm not some big romantic guy. I'm an idiot, and I'm a coward, and I'm really ignorant-- but I know for sure that I love you, and that's never going to go away.

I don't know how to end this, but I hope that if you're reading this, you think about the good parts of our relationship. Maybe the parts where you were feeling that hopeful feeling as well.

And maybe you can find it in you to feel that again.

Thank you for making it all the way to the bottom of this letter without destroying it.

I miss you.

Love,

Shawn.