Tomlinson was the best thing to happen to me (Watty's '13)

A chat

I want to have a talk with someone. I've never had this dating shit happen to me before and I'm more than confused as to what might happen. I am not going to be able to have a chat with Harry without going off on a tangent and or getting annoyed at him. I'm going to have a talk with Zayn. I knocked on his door. "Hey buddy! What you looking for?"

"Need to talk." I sat down on the kitchen bench.

"Lemme guess. A person?"

"Yeah."

"Your parents sending nasty messages?"

"Nup. Haven't heard from them since getting the news I've been disowned. Don't worry about me, I'm fine about it."

"No one who gets disowned is ever alright with it."

"I've been wishing this happened for… ever since I've heard about people getting disowned, Zayn! I sound off my rocker and not that alright, but I'm fine."

"Alright then, I just wanted to make sure you were alright and if you weren't you could talk to me."

"Well, you see, I've got two problems. The first one is Harry and the second one is Niall. I have a bit of difficulty dealing with both of them. Harry… I just don't like him and Niall… well… things have come tumbling out of his mouth that I don't know how to respond to."

"He's told you?"

"Came out of his gob," I told him sadly. Zayn laughed.

"Sorry, it's just the way to told me… and… what you said…"

"I make everyone laugh. Otherwise I wouldn't be friends with Louis even if we were neighbours. I grew up with the silliest people in South Yorkshire if not the entire Yorkshire. You won't get mad if I tell an Irish joke or two, would you?"

"Not really," he shook his head. "Niall might. But I doubt it. He'd be too busy laughing to care."

"Right. So a drunk man was at the pub and was getting up to leave, but his legs gave way. So he thought that he might sober up outside and get up there. So he crawled outside and tried to stand up.  But his legs gave way both times he attempted to. So he thought he'd just crawl the four blocks home. And then he tried to get up but his legs gave way and he collapsed into bed. The next day his wife was angry, saying, "You were at the pub last night, aye?" So he was like, "How did you know?" His wife said, "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."" I was happy that I had done only the dialogue in my Irish accent, and Zayn laughed.

"That's brilliant. Why did the mushroom go the party?"

"Because he was a fungi. I know." That was just about Louis' favourite joke. "But back to Niall. How does one deal with that?"

"Well, you see, there's a back story to that. Us three potatoes, Harry, Niall, myself, are single. And so we thought we'd have a race to see who gets a girlfriend first. Harry said girls like his hair the most, Niall said he's as terrifying as a baby penguin, and I said I'm the Bradford bad boy yo. And Niall, you see, doesn't really mind a girl's appearance. So he knew your were up for a good farting competition, and Louis said you went over to his place to get extra food when you got hungry and your parents didn't like you eating as much as your stomach could hold."

"That's very much true," I confirmed, before letting loose a bold brass section fart.

"Excuse me while I… I'm just… gonna evacuate. Stay where you are." He ran to the other side of the living room. "I've heard that audible farts don't smell and smelly farts aren't audible, but that's not true with Niall and I don't consider it true at all. Dealing with Niall… no one can do much for you except yourself. Have a talk with him, tell him whatever you're feeling. It's about all that you can do. As for Harry, I kind of see the problem. He just flirts. It's the way he is. He doesn't see that you don't like the fact he constantly flirts." Hm. What he said makes sense. I'll give Liam a try before dinner. "And, Harry doesn't seem the type to change. At least I don’t think he will."