For Him, I Would

Chapter Forty-Two - You have to let it run it's course.

Oakley had moved to the front porch, sitting in one of the chairs, her coat tight around her but she couldn't really feel the cold. She had cried for about the last two hours since Kayce had left. All of it was such a mess in her heart right now. But a car pulling up made Oakley look up, surprised to see Monica get out of the car and slowly walk over to her. Tate didn't seem to be with her, which made Oakley even more curious.

"Hi," Monica said, her hands in her coat pocket.

"Um, hi?" Oakley whipped her tears. "What are you doing here?"

"I dropped Tate off at Kayce's office," Monica said, walking up the stairs. "I thought it was weird so I asked Kayce why and he told me a little bit about what's happened the last few weeks here."

"Sorry he burdened you with that," Oakley wasn't sure how she felt about Kayce telling Monica anything but she didn't seem to have the fight in her to challenge that right now.

"May I sit?" Monic nodded to the empty chair next to Oakley.

Oakley nodded and pulled her coat around her tighter. Monica sat down and leaned back in her chair.

"I'm sorry you lost your brother," Monica looked at Oakley. "Regardless of everything else...I'm sorry you lost that part of you."

Oakley felt a wave of calmness pass over her and it was surprising. She had been in constant fight or flight mode for two weeks now, but something about Monica telling her sorry made the weight lessen slightly. It was then she remembered Monica had also lost her brother, in a very bad situation.

"When I lost my brother, it felt like someone had punched a hole through my heart and pulled it out," Monica sighed. "I remember being so angry, at everyone."

"Guess we have some things in common," Oakley sighed.

Monica shook her head no.

"We're still different," She looked at Oakley with her big brown eyes.

"How are we different?" Oakley asked.

"You blame yourself," Monica pointed out. "I only have blamed Kayce...and I guess his father and this place."

"I don't blame Kayce," Oakley ran her hands through her hair again. "Even if he wants me to."

"See?" Monica actually smiled at Oakey. "Different."

"How long did it take you get stop feeling like this?" Oakley asked her.

"It never really goes away," Monica looked out. "Sort of stays with you...holidays and birthdays always seem a little less whole, sometimes it'll just hit you on a random day."

"That's what everyone says," Oakley crossed her legs.

"But you have to learn to adapt to it," Monica went on. "You have to welcome it as a part of you. It gets easier...more livable if you do that. And you also won't let yourself turn into someone you hate."

"Hate?" Oakley said.

"You hate yourself right now, don't you?" Monica asked.

She wasn't being gleeful, she wasn't pointing fingers. Oakley sat there for a while, looking out toward the mountains, and thought about it. She was angry right now, and sure it was with herself, but she hadn't let her mind confirm what her heart was telling her.

She did hate herself right now.

She hated that she hadn't listened to Kayce in the first place. She hated that the situation her brother was in, formed this shield around them that she thought she could go around the law. She hated the lies which have come from this situation due to protecting everyone who didn't know...like her parents and Tate...and Kayce even.