Jealousy, Jealousy || Jegulus & Rosekiller

46. Of silence and records

Sirius

"You don't agree with them?", murmurs Sirius.

"No", says Regulus.

"You don't want to make them proud?"

"I don't care if they are".

"But they are".

Regulus leans against the wall and looks at the ground. "I won't pretend to want to see what they would do if they weren't".

Then he looks at Sirius again, "But I don't do the things I do for them... I care about doing well in school, I like to play quidditch and be good at it".

Sirius nods.

"But you avoid doing the things they wouldn't want you to", says Sirius.

"I guess I just don't let them know I do them".

Sirius nods again. Then Regulus murmurs: "But there was a time when I wanted to make them proud. A time when I was obedient, behaved, and did what they told me to".

"I knew it", says Sirius bitterly.

"And you condemned me for it. You condemn me for it".

Sirius looks away. He did. He does.

"I'm not you, Sirius", says Regulus, "And you want me to be".

And it hits Sirius. He suddenly feels too similar to their parents, wanting to control his brother and his actions. He knows it's not even remotely comparable, but it still feels too similar.

"I don't want you to", he exclaims, and hopes Regulus knows he's sincere. "I just wanted, I want, to see you do the right thing".

Regulus nods. Then he murmurs: "Does it count if you oppose them in silence?"

"It does a little".

"You don't think it's enough, do you?"

"How long can it go on like that? Before you either have to bend to their will once and for all or fight them?"

"I don't know", Regulus' voice comes out not louder than a whisper.

"Do you know what you're going to do when that moment comes?"

"I hope I do. But I'm afraid to find out", Regulus' voice breaks.

"I will be there for you if you fight them".

"Will you?". His brother evidently doesn't believe it.

"I will".

"Promise". Sirius holds out his pinkie like when they were little.

"You wouldn't. Where were you before?

"I was angry at you, okay?", exclaims Sirius, "I was disappointed in you. It looked like you were on their side completely and to the core. It looked like you thought I deserved to be punished".

"I never thought that!", exclaims Regulus, "You have to believe it!"

"And I never believed all their ideas", adds Regulus, "Well, I guess when I was younger I did-"

"We were kids, I did too", Sirius shakes his head.

"But I grew out of it like you, I didn't argue with them, but I didn't believe in their ideas. I did what they wanted me to do, but not because-"

"I understand", says Sirius. Regulus nods.

"And I grew out of that too".

"I believe you", says Sirius looking into Regulus' eyes. Regulus nods again.