Jealousy, Jealousy || Jegulus & Rosekiller

22. Scarves, brooms and dreams

James

James wakes up to the familiar noises of the others getting up.

"Remember me to get new quills in Hogsmeade", Remus is saying as he sorts through his bag.

"We also have to go to Zonko's. We need to get dungbombs, we finished them", grins Sirius, "And also thunder crackers, some boxes of weather in a bottle... And the whiz-bangs. I already have some ideas on how to use them".

He wraps Regulus' scarf tighter around him. Regulus left it the night before, he picked it up to return it, but he couldn't resist enveloping himself in it, enveloping himself in Regulus' scent.

He takes it off and gets up. Remus says good morning, drawing on him a glare from Sirius. Peter gets ready at lightning speed and exits the dorm.

"I have to go return these books to the library, I'll see you at the pitch", says Remus, as he kisses Sirius and leaves.

Sirius continues to ignore James, he acts as if he's not even there as he gets ready.

James takes a few steps towards him, "Pads..."

Sirius doesn't even raise his head, he exits and slams the door behind him.

James goes back to bed.

The night before, it was late when he came back to the dorm, and still too early in his opinion. He would have stayed with Regulus all night.

It was a dream. He hopes it wasn't a fluke, he hopes he won't have to wake up.

He doesn't know what made Regulus stay. Stay in the Tower, stay with him. But he did. James doesn't know what brought about this change in Regulus, who suddenly talks to him again, treats him as his friend, just like James thought, hoped, that they were, and who let himself be hugged when James pulled him into his arms, and who in turn hugged him when James felt overwhelmed by his confused feelings.

He told Regulus, he told him about what happened with Sirius, he told him he came to the Tower because he didn't want to go to the dorm and that it was the closest thing to an open space he so much craved. And he told him, despite being wary, its role in all of that. And he reassured him that he shouldn't be sorry, that it should be okay that they are friends, that it is.

He knows Sirius is hurt. Hurt by James. Hurt by his brother, who stood before Sirius, surrounded by his parents, their hands on his shoulders, just like a painting James once saw. But those hands are not lovingly guiding him, or supporting him, they have claws keeping him there, claws that Sirius missed. Understandably, as he had to tend to his own wounds.

Sirius is missing and loving someone who he believes is a ghost, he's mourning the brother who once existed. Except that he still does, he's here in flesh and blood and pain, a pain so similar to his own, but carried so differently.

James hopes that he was able to help Regulus with whatever pain he was in last night, Regulus surely helped him.

They remained in the Tower, even through stretches of silence filled only by the rain falling all around them. Regulus told him a myth about a god and the rain, and the sky falling seemed to tell James it's okay to cry, cry with me. And Regulus being there, with his wet eyes and his arms enveloping James through his turmouil, seemed to say the same thing, it's okay to cry, cry with me.

James is always focusing on the urge to help, to comfort, when someone in front of him is upset. He's the pillar, the steady, solid, spirited presence for all his friends. Sometimes, though, even pillars may crack, or crumble, and he has always faced those moments by himself. Yes, it might be his own fault, he never showed himself to be anything short of happy and serene.