Jealousy, Jealousy || Jegulus & Rosekiller

31. Emptiness

James

He is giving Regulus little kisses on his cheek, on his temple, on his hair. Soft, small pecks. They are in Regulus' dorm, he snuck in with the invisibility cloak. He couldn't leave Regulus alone, he felt he needed him more, he's sure Sirius is with Moony.

Regulus is in his lap, curled up against his chest, and James is holding him as he sits against the headboard of his bed.

James cups his cheek and gives him another little kiss, Regulus is crying silent tears and James hates it.

"Can you tell me what he said?" whispers James. Regulus shakes his head vehemently.

"I just want to make it better", says James softly.

Regulus remains silent and snuggles up to him even more.

James is quick to hold him tighter. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry", he says.

Maybe he shouldn't have told Sirius, maybe they should have just snuck around, maybe they should have kept it a secret, maybe he shouldn't have been selfish.

So selfish, he felt he couldn't keep it a secret, he didn't want to keep it a secret, without thinking of the consequences for Reg.

If he didn't say anything, Sirius wouldn't have yelled at him. Why did he have to tell Sirius?

How could he not, though?

He knew he would hurt Sirius, he knew it, but he is his best friend, he used to call him his brother, before getting to know the real one. He expected Sirius to be mad at him for a bit, but then he thought they would have talked it out, he would have stopped to be stubborn and spent time with Reg again. He certainly didn't expect him to get mad at Reg.

And now, here they are. And Regulus isn't even talking. And he doesn't know what to do. And his thoughts don't stop spinning, and he's feeling everything all at once, he's feeling too much.

"I didn't want to hurt you", he blurts out, tears prickling at his eyes.

He feels Regulus freeze in his arms. He snaps his head up. "You didn't hurt me".

"I did, it's all my fault-"

"No, it isn't", retorts Regulus sounding incredulous.

"It is. I wanted to tell him, I should have expected this, I should-"

"Stop", Regulus says. He takes James' face in his hands, grounding him.

"This is not your fault in any way", he says, his eyes looking into his.

"I'm sorry," continues Regulus, "I was... Anyway. I'm here for you. I'm sorry I haven't been-"

"No. You're hurt, don't worry about me-"

"You're hurt. And I do worry about you and you can't stop me", he kisses his cheek.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay, I just wish I could make you feel better", he murmurs.

Regulus shakes his head. "How are you?", he repeats.

"I'm fine", he shrugs.

"Stop".

"I am, really".

"No".

Regulus hugs him, "Tell me", he whispers in his ear, "I'm here".

James hides away in his arms. "Please", adds Regulus, softly. And that makes James crumble.

He starts crying, he cries and he feels like it will never stop.