Starlight (Yelena Belova and Kate Bishop one shots)

When the light is gone (2)

Trigger warning: discussions about suicide and depression.

You were watching your girlfriend as she slept next to you, eyes still red from having cried so much.

She had been allowed to sleep in your room tonight instead of the medbay which was definitely a good thing. Still, you couldn't help but worry about her.

Yelena looked so peaceful for once, her blonde hair spread all over her pillow. Usually this would have been a reassuring sight but not today.

Today, it just reminded you of how vulnerable she was deep down. Natasha's death had obviously destroyed her and your girlfriend was on a very dangerous path, one you were not sure you could save her from.

"Y/n?" Yelena's eyes fluttered open and she gave you a concerned look. "Why are you still awake? You need to get some rest!"

"Get some rest? After the day we had?"

"Y/n, come on I'm fine!" Your girlfriend insisted one more time. "What can I do to prove it to you?"

You sighted for the hundredth time, too tired to explain again why you were worried and mad.

Your girlfriend had remained unconscious for more than an hour after having hit that wall. Her pulse was so weak at first you thought she was dead. And yet she expected you to act like everything was fine.

"Nothing El." You were tired, so tired. "There's nothing you can do. I...just. I want to protect you and you know I can't do that if you purposely make reckless decisions without consulting anyone."

"It wasn't a reckless decision, I promise everything was under control."

It was the middle of the night and you couldn't reasonably start an argument with her. Still, hearing Yelena say everything was under control made you want to scream. She didn't have anything under control and she didn't have to, no one could have expected her to.

"There's something you want to ask me isn't there?" The blonde sat down straight, now wide awake. "Go ahead."

"No I..."

"Don't waste your time lying to me Y/n. Not only am I a spy trained to read and anticipate emotions, I also know you better than anyone. I can feel you need to say something so come on, spit it out!"

You bit your lip, suddenly nervous. Of course you were planning on discussing the incident with Yelena but you hadn't expected the conversation to happen so fast.

There were so many things you two needed to talk about yet your throat remained dry with unspoken words. How did you ask the person your loved the most in the world if they wanted to commit suicide?

"Okay, okay. You're right we do need to talk about something." You swallowed hard, avoiding your girlfriend's eyes. "You don't have to give me an answer now or even to talk at all. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and I really wish I didn't have to bring that up."

"Bring what up?" She sounded agressive, almost as if you were attacking her.

"Yelena I...I'm worried about your safety." You let out a long breath, studying your girlfriend's reaction. "I tried really hard to convince myself that today was just a mistake. That you misunderstood the plan or overestimated your own strength."

"But?"

"But it just doesn't sit right with me Lena! You're a widow! You, maybe more than anyone here, knows how important it is to stick to the plan. You're also not stupid. As reckless as you might be sometimes you know when attacking alone is too dangerous and this was precisely the case this morning. Why did you try to take down this monster alone El?

"..."

"Come on!" You heard yourself scream and couldn't find the strength to calm down. "You wanted to talk, we are talking. Now answer the question!"

"It was nothing I swear!" Yelena screamed back. "God, why can't you just trust me on this. I already told you I was just too arrogant for my own good and made a stupid decision. It's over now and I'm fine, just drop it!"

"I won't drop anything until I'm 100% sure you didn't try to commit suicide!!"

You put a hand in front of your mouth, realizing too late that you had gone way too far.

Yelena stared back at you, her face so white you almost thought she was going to pass out again.

"How can you believe that Y/n?" She eventually spitted, looking disgusted. "Suicide is for the weak, an escape that cowards take because they aren't strong enough. Do you think I have no self esteem or honor? Do you think I'm some kind of defenseless sheep would you rather be led to a slaughterhouse than face her problems?"

"Suicide is a call for help Lena, it has nothing to do with being weak!" You could tell you sounded more and more desperate. "I never meant to insult you I just...I want you to be safe. And I feel like this isn't the case at all."

Your girlfriend didn't even reply to you and simply left the room, taking her pillow with her. Shit. As much as you hated arguing with her, this time you kinda wish you could have had a fight instead of this.

Screaming was still communicating. Not knowing what was wrong nor how to fix it was much worst.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Come one Lena, you can go harder than that on me!" You smiled, surprised by your girlfriend's careful moves. "We've been sparing together for quite a while now, you know I'm not made of sugar don't you?"

"I don't want to hurt you that's all!"

"Hurt me?" You teased her "You really think that you could even go as far as touching me?"

The blonde smirked, her competitive nature kicking in and the playful grin on her face made you feel warm.

Things were difficult, yes, but getting Yelena to do the things she used to love was a huge step towards healing.

You avoided one punch and threw another at her. Getting your energy back felt so amazing, you hadn't realized just how much you had missed those special moments.

"Hey girls!"

You turned your head towards Clint and waved back with a smile. The whole interaction couldn't have lasted longer than 2 or 3 seconds but Yelena was a Widow. And widows needed way less time than that to hit their target.

Her fist collided with your face just as you were shifting your attention back on her...and just like that everything went black.

Yelena Pov:

Y/n crumbled to the floor and for a handful of seconds, I remained completely frozen. I couldn't quite realized what had just happened. The only thing I knew was that my favorite person was hurt and that it was all my fault. It was all my fault...