not a big deal~carl grimes

<twenty-one>

the next day i went over to rons house. not to see him though, to see his mom.

i knocked on the door. ron opened it 'hey taylor. what's up?'

i shrugged 'is your mom in?'

he looked at me confused 'yeah...why?'

'i wanted to come by and check on her.' he let me through to where she was in the kitchen.

she was running around, doing dishes and cleaning live everything was fine. she stopped when she saw me 'hey taylor. wat's brought you by. you finally want that haircut you've been needing but refusing for ages?'

'no, i just wanted to check on you. with everything that happened, loosing pete i wanted to make sure you were dealing with it okay.' i stepped forward, taking some plates from her hands and placing them in the sink 'you don't seem to be doing great.'

'i'm fine.' she shook her head.

'you're not.' i whispered 'i know neat freaks from people who are upset. you're cleaning to take your mind off it.'

'ron, can you go upstairs please.' jessie asked her son, which he obeyed, disappearing. she turned back to me when we heard his bedroom door close 'you're a mind reader, i swear.'

i laughed and shook my head 'i grew up forced into social setting and i had 2 brothers. i just know people, even if i'm not always great with social ques so i stay quiet a lot.'

'can you please just let me give you a haircut.' she begged 'it'll take my mind off it and you can tell me your problems like you would do a hairdresser before. please, it'll help me.'

i thought for a second. it was someone to talk to about everything that happened with carl, and he said he liked my hair long so maybe changing it would help me get over him. and it was going to help jessie as much as i could. i nodded 'okay.'

she got her shears, a chair and put a towel on the floor.

she wet my hair in the sink before sitting me down 'i know you love your long hair so just a trim?' she asked.

'actually. can we go just below shoulder length maybe?' she nodded.

as she began to cut away at my hair, taking off a few inches at a time, she asked 'so, to take my mind of my troubles, what is going on in your life?'

'well, carl and i used to like each other. we were all in a prison and we kind of had something going on between us just before i left.' i explained. 'now i think he likes enid, i mean i shouldn't be surprised. she's cool and i left him not knowing where i was and i didn't come back with the person i was looking for so he didn't know if i was alive so i guess i pushed him to move on.'

'believe me, if he really loved you he would never move on. he would have kept looking for you, only giving up if he found your body or you but one of the monsters.' she said.

i sighed 'i guess...i don't know. it feels like he just wants to be friends. the way he used to look at me, he now looks at enid. i feel like he forgot about me.'

she shook her head. 'you're an unforgettable girl. have you ever thought maybe it changed because how he used to look at you was the way he looked at friends but seeing you again after all that time made him realise how much he loves you?'

'i don't think he looks at friends as if he's in love with them.'

'that's a tricky one.' we were quiet for a minute 'why do you want your hair short all of a sudden? you always refused haircuts because you liked it long.'

i shrugged 'carl said he liked long hair. i want to let go, so if i get rid of something he likes about me, maybe it'll make me feel less attached to him.'

'sweetie. a haircut won't change anything if he ever truly loved you.' jessie said 'if he really loves you, he'll love you for your personality. not for your looks. or the length of your gorgeous, thick hair. i love cutting it so much.'

i laughed 'it's not really for him. i just want to let go of the compliments. if i let go of everything he ever said he liked about me, it makes me feel like i'm getting rid of him, even if that will never be possible.' i took a deep breath 'how's everything at home? how are the boys?'

'well,' she sighed 'while i'm upset over loosing pete, i mean he was my husband. i was married to him for years. as much as it upset me, i'm also kind of glad. the boys are safe.'

'you're safe now too.' i added.

'yeah but i care more about my sons than myself.' she said 'you have no idea how many times he gave sam a black eye or even sometimes two. and you know ron can't even lift his left arm that high because pete completely ruined his shoulder. you can't tell anyone about this though.'

'i promise.'

'at least their dad won't be hurting them from now on. and don't tell ron you know about all this. he'll be embarrassed if he knows you know we weren't that happy family we were outside.' she begged.

i scoffed 'we all knew. we could tell. sams bruising around his eyes was still visible. and sometimes at night, i could hear him screaming at you. i asked him about it like 6 months ago so he knows i know.'

'right you're all done.' she shaid, turning away as i could hear faint sobs.

i walked round so i was in front of her. 'jessie, it's okay.'

'thank you taylor. thanks for letting me talk about it.' she hugged me.

i awkwardly hugged her back 'any time. you know where i am if you ever need me.'

'yep, aarons place.' she nodded.

'no, next door to rick. one to the right, i moved since i knew them already and daryl and carol were like parents to me.' i added. 'i can stay longer and just talk if you want.'

i stayed until it began to get dark, letting jessie confide in me. she told me everything that happened with pete, even things that had nothing to do with him. and she gave me a bit of advice about carl. she said to let him come to me and it would show how he felt about me.