Like Moths to a Flame // Sebastian Sallow [Book One]

Chapter Forty-Three: The Weight of Regret

Another month passed. And another. Things weren't back to normal - Sebastian wasn't sure anything would ever be normal again - but he was slowly returning to his daily routine. He still mostly kept to himself, but Damien at least was a friendly face to see in classes. He even occasionally sat beside him, although they didn't hold any substantial conversations. Sebastian had tried many times to express himself properly to Damien, to find ways to show Damien he was working on himself, that he wanted to be a better person, but it was more difficult than he anticipated. 

Sebastian was also still mulling over Damien's offer. He wasn't entirely sure why he was being so cautious, but he supposed a part of him was still processing how far he had fallen in his attempt to cure Anne. He had truly lost himself in the catacomb. He wasn't sure if that was due to the relic - it had held such power over him - or if it was a fault in his character. Even though the relic was gone, he still felt like something within him was irreparably broken. It was a lingering sense of unease, a shadow that followed him everywhere he went. Solomon used to think something dark lurked within Sebastian; perhaps he had been right. 

Sebastian was now laying on his bed, taking a brief break between classes. He had been coming here more often lately to reset his tumultuous mind. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The rhythmic cadence of his inhales and exhales filled the silence, momentarily anchoring him in the present.

With a start, his eyes flew open at the sound of the door creaking. Ominis was standing beneath the door frame, his wand stretched out before him. 

"Sebastian?" Ominis whispered.

Sebastian sat up, draping his legs over the side of the bed. "I'm here, Ominis."

"I hoped to find you here." Ominis walked over to his bed and sat down, unknowingly mirroring Sebastian's position. His wand now rested in his lap, though his hand appeared to be clutching it tighter than usual. 

"What is it? Is Anne alright?" Sebastian asked hurriedly. This was the first time Ominis had addressed him in days. Sebastian hoped something wasn't terribly amiss.

"Anne's fine." Sebastian breathed a sigh of relief as Ominis continued, "It's about her decision."

"Her decision? What do you mean?"

"Sebastian - she was seriously considering turning you in." Sebastian felt his whole body tense. It had been so long since Ominis had told him that. He hadn't forgotten, but he had set it into the furthest recesses of his mind. It was still too painful to fully comprehend. 

Ominis cleared his throat, then said, "But she changed her mind." Anne changed her mind. What did that mean? Sebastian pondered Ominis's words far longer than he intended. 

"Do you have anything to say to that?" Ominis asked, breaking the heavy silence. 

"Of course I do. I have a lot of questions."

"Ah." Ominis nodded, his expression inscrutable.

"Will she see me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"She hasn't forgiven you." He began fidgeting with his wand in his lap. "I don't think she ever will." 

Sebastian hung his head. "But she's not going to turn me in?" he whispered.

"No," Ominis replied, his tone surprisingly gentle, catching Sebastian off guard. "She thinks the guilt you'll live with for the rest of your life is punishment enough." His final words landed like a punch to Sebastian's gut, leaving him breathless and overwhelmed.

There was so much Sebastian wanted to say, but he held himself back. Ominis didn't deserve to sit through this any longer. Informing Sebastian was enough. Sebastian settled on a quiet, "Okay. Thank you, Ominis." Then, he added, "You'll look after her, won't you?"

Ominis's cheeks flushed. "You know I will." He dropped his head, then stood up ever so slowly from his bed. He took a tentative step toward Sebastian, a conflicted expression on his face. But whatever Ominis intended to do or say, he decided against it. He turned around and silently walked out the door, leaving Sebastian alone once more with his thoughts and with an ache in his heart.

—

After careful consideration, Sebastian decided to speak with Damien about his conversation with Ominis. In a fit of nostalgia, Sebastian sent Damien an owl, like old times. Deliberately keeping the message somewhat ambiguous, he aimed to convey his need for a conversation without raising undue alarm. There was no need to burden Damien with unnecessary worry.

Sebastian paced the Undercroft, hoping that Damien would stop by, but not expecting it. He hadn't given Damien a time, and he had only sent the letter a few hours ago, but he had nothing better to do. Well, perhaps an assignment for Professor Howin. That could wait though. Sebastian hadn't seen Damien in the Great Hall at dinner, so he most likely hadn't even received Sebastian's letter yet.

But he was wrong. Damien came rushing through the gate, his brow furrowed, and his lips forming a tight, straight line. 

Sebastian attempted to reassure him with a faint smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He greeted Damien softly, saying, "I'm glad you came."

"Sebastian, I received your owl. What's happened?" Sebastian felt sorry for worrying Damien, but he had to admit he was touched by his concern. It had been quite some time since Sebastian had sent him an owl. He supposed he should have expected Damien to be caught by surprise.

"Ominis spoke with Anne about what happened with my uncle," he replied. "She believes I should pay for what I did. But, she won't turn me in. She said the guilt I'll have to live with is punishment enough." Saying the words out loud was just as painful as hearing them.

Damien let out a heavy sigh. "I'm so sorry." He paused and tossed Sebastian a quizzical look. "But I'm glad to know that you can at least try to move on now?" Damien's question seemed to hold a deeper meaning, leaving Sebastian unsure of how to interpret it. Was Damien asking if he was giving up on Anne? Or was he subtly probing for a response to his previous offer? The uncertainty made Sebastian hesitant to delve deeper into the conversation.

He decided not to directly respond to Damien's question, instead choosing to focus on his deep sorrow. "The thing is - I think I've lost my sister, my twin, forever," he admitted, his voice laced with anguish. "She refuses to even see me." He felt his eyes start to well up, but he willed himself to hold back the tears. "I can't blame her. I couldn't really blame any of you if you gave up on me entirely. You all believed in me. And I let you all down." 

Damien took a few purposeful steps forward, closing the distance between them. "Anne may just need some time. Surely one day she'll be able to forgive you."

"I hope you're right. I realize I can't undo what's been done, but I can try every day to make up for it. I owe you and Ominis everything for standing by me." 

Damien stared intently into his eyes. Sebastian sensed that Damien was searching for something, seeking a glimpse into his state of mind. Perhaps finding what he was looking for, he then chuckled quietly to himself and said, "Well, it wasn't easy. But I believe in you, Sebastian. I've had a sense about you since that first day in Defense Against the Dark Arts." A warm smile tugged at the corners of Damien's lips. It seemed as if this were a genuine attempt to uplift Sebastian's spirits. It didn't quite work, but it was appreciated. 

"Seems so long ago. Thank you. I have no idea what's to come, but I am grateful for your...friendship." 

There was so much more he wanted to say:

I miss you

Please don't leave me

Can we start again?

But he felt paralyzed by his feelings, preventing him from saying the words. He took a deep breath to steady his heart, which was pounding in his chest. After a moment's pause, he added, "I'm glad you came to Hogwarts." 

Damien nodded solemnly and looked down at his feet. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but nothing came out. Instead, he offered Sebastian a subtle wave, and quietly departed through the gate. 

Sebastian felt his throat tighten, a lump forming. He swallowed it down painfully, willing his emotions back under control.

Another opportunity wasted. The school year would soon be drawing to a close. If he didn't say something soon, when would he next have the chance?