Someone To Stay [bxb]

Chapter 15

                     Lucas

These days I have been feeling nothing but insecure about my body . It has changed a lot, on top of that, I'm always sore or tired most of the time .

Last night, I felt a lot worse when Nathan didn't come back home . He promised that we will spend the night together since he has been working a lot . However, he cancelled at the last minute because of something he had to do with Wylder . He didn't even try to explain what was so important that he had to ditch me . It made me feel horrible,  I started questioning the love he claims has for me and this little life we made together .

Today , I couldn't even eat . It's like the whole process of getting up and making something to eat felt like a lot of work . I just laid on my bed, feeling sorry for myself . Could I ever get used to this feeling? This fear that Nathan can replace me anytime, if he wants to . He gets to live a normal life while I get to sit around the apartment, going out only when I have doctor's appointments . Or walks in the neighborhood for fresh air . On top of that, it means hiding from the world . Hiding the baby bump because everyone would think I'm a freak or something . It's exhausting .

Though I manage to convince myself to take a bath . It takes me an hour to be done because of how slow and careful I'm doing things . By the time I'm done, I feel much better .

I put on my bathrobe around my body and walk into my bedroom, connected to my bedroom . When I pass my closet, I notice a huge mirror, I stop for a second to look at myself.  I haven't done that since forever.

I can't help but notice the few changes to my body and moreover to my face . I'm like a whole new person. I have gained a lot of weight, I'm starting to think that I will be like this forever . Everything about me screams feminine and it's crazy that the only thing left for this pregnancy to take is my pecker, I laugh quietly at myself when I think of that .

My curious mind urges me to take off my bathrobe and I do, what I see next completely makes me break down . I look horrible! Nothing like how I used to be, nothing . There are angry stretch marks on my thighs and arms, even on my tummy . I quickly dart my eyes away from the mirror, too afraid to even look anywhere else at my body . I put my bathrobe back on and get on my bed, sobbing silently. 

" Lucas" I hear Nathan's guarded voice a few minutes later during my pity party.

I breathe in heavily, tightly holding on to the comforter . It isn't cold in the bedroom but somehow it feels colder with every step Nathan takes to reach the side of my bed.

" Go away!" I cry out when I feel his hand on my back, slowly caressing me .

A part of me wishes he didn't have to see me like this but since I'm already deep in my pity party, it's pointless trying to hide. 

" I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong baby ." His hand moves down and up on my back gently, the thought of sharing how I feel about my body isn't really something I want to do . I bet he has already noticed how ugly I look these days.

" Lucas, talk to me ."

" Go away, just go away! ."I stifle a sob. Why is it hard to just let it all out? Nathan never opens up to me, rarely . In fact , we have never been this vulnerable around each other .

" You have been acting like this for the past few days.  I'm not going anywhere until we sort whatever is happening out . It's draining me too that you are pushing me away ." He mutters

" Why do you never touch me? Compliment me like before? Do I look that bad?" My voice cracks a little, shifting uncomfortably under the covers .

The silence in the bedroom is too loud.  I feel my throat tighten up . Why do I have to be a cry baby about this? It's not like we are dating. I open and close my mouth, wanting to tell him to forget it when I finally hear him move then suddenly he's sleeping right beside me, I feel his minty breath tickling my face , I'm too afraid to open my eyes and look at him in the eyes . What if I see something I don't like? What if it's the truth, that he doesn't like how I look.

" Do you remember that other time when I suggested that we shower together but you said no? " I simply nod, not getting where he's going with this . " Then I jumped in with you anyways, then the whole time you didn't even acknowledge my presence or even give me one glance . You just stood away from me like ...I don't know, I'm repulsive." Nathan swallows hard, like it's difficult to even relive that moment .

I remember that day well . The fact that Nathan jumped into the shower even though I clearly said no upset me . Not because I didn't want him in there but because of how I have started to look . I was feeling very ashamed and disgusted by my body . I didn't want Nathan to see it too and feel that way .

" Well, I felt rejected when you did that . It made me feel as if you were no longer attracted to me . I felt ...I felt like sex with me no longer held any interest for you . That's why I stopped touching you, trying to get close to you because you kept pushing me away every single time I tried . At one point, I felt like you didn't even like me around you , Lucas . Even the compliments I showered you with made you uncomfortable, I could always see it on your face whenever you grimaced or even the comments you made like 'whatever' . I'm not saying we should play lovey dovey all the time . What I'm saying is, I feel like I keep giving you more of me and you just keep pushing me away . " By the time he's done, I'm a weeping mess .

" I didn't know you felt that way ." I whisper, feeling like the worst person ever for not realising that my actions were also affecting Nathan .

" That's because whenever I try to bring it up, you say I should drop it because I'm not the one who's pregnant, who gets to lose how their body used to be ." I suddenly feel his warm soft hand over my cheek, his thumb wiping my tears. 

" I'm so sorry . I have been in my head a lot these days . I no longer look like myself . I feel uncomfortable in my own body . It's exhausting."

" I may not feel exactly what you are feeling, or go through on a daily basis Lucas but I would appreciate it if you can share everything with me . You are not the only one who's pregnant, we are both pregnant . We are in this together, okay?" He whispers softly.

I nod , saying anything will just make me more emotional . I open my eyes slowly to find Nathan's staring back at me with warmth in his eyes " What did I do to deserve you?" I wonder . I feel like the luckiest person alive . The fact that we managed to talk this out without any awkwardness makes me feel relieved.

" I'm asking myself the same question . I'm too perfect for you!" He jokes making me pout.

" What are we?" I blurt out. The question has been burning through my mind for a very long time since Nathan and I started hanging out again .

His eyes dart to somewhere behind me, and he starts to bite his lower lip . I could sense the change of atmosphere but I don't back down.  I patiently wait for his answer. 

" I ...I don't know yet . I hate labels, you know . Can we just be Nathan and Lucas for now? " I don't know why but the answer makes my whole body go cold, and his hand on my cheek start to feel heavy. 

" Okay " I instantly pull away " I'm gonna nap now . " Then I pull the comforter over my head. Nathan doesn't move for a while , he just lays there while I try not to break down once again . This whole thing makes me feel pathetic .

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