AIN'T TALKIN' 'BOUT LOVE

CHAPTER 41 - FUCK IT, I LOVE YOU by LANA DEL RAY

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Eren put their drinks on the table and sat down with a sigh. Squinting into the sun, he shaded his eyes from the harsh glare. "It's nice to get a break from that rain."

"Yeah, well just wait," Armin said, sipping from his straw. "Forecast is bad the rest of the week. He glanced at his shoulder. "Dammit, I'll lose my glow."

"Impossible," Eren smiled at him. "Your glow comes from within."

Armin batted his eyes and dripped his southern charm. "This is precisely the reason you are my best friend."

They smiled at one another and gazed out over the green, foaming water. Pelicans perched on top of the wood pilings peppered throughout the docs. Seagulls cried above as they dove and darted over them.

"I'm so pissed that I missed Kenny playing with his nephews, Friday. I'd requested the night off for it a month ago, but the ER got slammed." He glanced at Eren. "I bet it was great."

Eren sat staring at Armin, in a daze, his mouth falling open. Armin stared back and asked, "What's the matter honey?"

"You knew a month ago that Kenny would play with Levi and Farlan Friday night?"

"Of course." Armin frowned. "It's Kuchel's birthday."

Blinking slowly, Eren raised his hand to his mouth. "They played together on Kuchel's birthday Friday night, and you knew about it a month ago?"

Armin studied Eren's face. His eyebrows went up slowly and his mouth opened in a perfect "O". "You didn't know, Eren?" He reached across and grabbed his friend's hand. "You didn't know about them playing every year for Kuchel? Levi never told you?"

Shaking his head and staring at the water, Eren's face was pale. It was so much worse than he thought. It wasn't just Levi's past he was shut off from. It was everything of emotional value to him too.

"Eren, honey. Talk to me. You look awful." Armin leaned into him. "You're scaring me."

Covering his whole face with his hands, he tried not to start sobbing. "Did everyone know, twinkie?" he whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"Am I the only one who didn't know?"

Armin nodded. "Yeah, I think so." He sat back in his chair, his face a mask of confusion. "Why wouldn't he tell you?"

Eren sat for a moment without answering. Tears fell from his face. "I just don't think I'm important enough to him."

"But you guys told each other that you love one another."

"I guess that's not enough to make him want to bring me into his life." He shook his head. "I don't think my 'I love you' is the same as his. I want to fold him into every part of myself. He wants to shield himself from me sharing every part of his life. We're reaching for opposite things."

Armin handed Eren his drink, encouraging him to take a sip. "You have to talk to him about this. You can't give up. Does he know how bad it's gotten for you?"

Eren put down his glass. "We have good moments. We talk about everything under the sun except him, so I keep justifying. I keep thinking that what we have is good enough, but then something like this happens and it blows me up all over again."

"Well, I don't want you to compromise yourself and what you want. What can I do to help you with this? What can I do?"

Biting back his tears, Eren tried to smile. "Nothing, really. You're right; I'll just talk to him." He stood up and helped Armin down from the stool. "Thanks for talking to me.