AIN'T TALKIN' 'BOUT LOVE

CHAPTER 48 - ON YOUR SIDE by PETE YORN

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Levi sat in his office watching the sun rise over the gulf. He'd been there since five waiting for his day to start. It had been a long time since he'd felt so nervous about a "first day" back to work. He hadn't slept so around 3:30 he got up and got ready, meticulously putting on the suit he'd decided on and re-decided on several times the night before.

For a long time he'd taken for granted how beautiful his office view was, hell even his beautiful office, for that matter. He loved how clean and crisp it always was, and how it smelled like fresh paper and clean carpet. He didn't realize how much he missed being there. He could live alone and be alone most of the time, but spending time alone in his own office still held the novelty he'd experienced the first time Mina closed the door behind her. He loved his office and the way it made him feel. Like a grownup. Like a real live responsible adult. It was his haven, and sitting here watching his town come alive beneath him made him feel brand new.

Being sober with no alcohol and drugs could do that just as easily. He felt scrubbed clean, inside and out, but he still itched for something to battle the waves of emotions that struck him out of nowhere. Several times a day he felt a giddiness that filled him with a hitherto foreign joy, followed quickly by a free floating terror and rounded out by moments when he felt like he could cry for hours if he let himself. Sometimes he couldn't help it.

It had been a couple of months since his brother and friends had scraped him off of his bathroom floor in a pile of his own puke and sweat. His stomach still flipped in shame at the thought of it. He had gone through some of the worst physical pain fighting through withdrawals than he thought possible.

Farlan had stayed with him around the clock, only letting Erwin, Hange or Isabel take over when they insisted he get some rest. He'd fallen in love with his brother all over again and his heart would stop beating like a — as soon as he walked in the room. Farlan felt like home, and Levi never realized just how much he'd kept himself from that comfort all these years.

It was Isabel that one day told them both that it was time to let Levi venture out into the world again. He'd started to go out to the store and to run errands by himself, without everyone fearing that he'd pick up something on the way home. It was hard to be near the wine aisle, but everytime he thought of a drink, he remembered the pain in his guts and in his friends' eyes.

He finally started staying by himself again. While he missed his friends when they weren't there, he had grown so accustomed to their company, he relished having his own quiet space again. The flip side to that was when he was alone, all he could think about was Eren. Where was he? What was he doing? Was he with someone new? That thought guaranteed a half a pack of smokes. It was the only thing that took the edge off the craving to drink. That and brownies. Clean brownies.

While the breakdown had been a nice distraction to his ever present obsession over Eren, the hollowness left inside him still ached like a phantom limb. He lived on a minute to minute basis with that man's eyes dancing in his head.

He still wasn't ready to play at the bar, but he was ready to feel efficient and purposeful again, and work was the one place he could feel that way. Mina, Erwin and Hange had held down the fort embarrassingly well. Enough to make him wonder if he was even needed, but they all admitted that what came as natural to breathing for Levi, had nearly run them all into the ground. He was happy to be back. Happy to be able to give back. Work would be a welcome distraction. It would make him feel like he was himself again.

But being sober meant that he would never truly be himself again. He had no idea who he was anymore. Living day to day without medicine made him feel splintered and fragile. His friends were the glue that kept him from shattering, but his obsession to drink was the ever-present breeze that blew into the cracks left from his fall. He wanted to drink more than he didn't and that scared him. Erwin had offered to take him to some 12 step meetings. He'd gone with his mom while growing up, but it ended up not helping her and he doubted talking to a bunch of alcoholics could help him either.