AIN'T TALKIN' 'BOUT LOVE

CHAPTER 45 - SILVER SPRING by FLEETWOOD MAC

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After the fourth set of knocks, Mikasa fumbled through her purse and pulled out the key to Armin's apartment. She pushed through and called Eren's name. The apartment was silent, except for the air conditioner blowing cold, making her shiver. She walked through the kitchen into the dining room and the image that greeted her made her feel even colder. 

Eren lay sleeping on his side, in his underwear. His hands were folded under his cheek, his knees pulled up to his chest. Pressed underneath him was a myriad of paper in all different sizes and types, charcoal sketches of a million moments of Levi.

Eren slept peacefully. He had black, chalky marks on his legs, arms and face. Salty trails etched into his checks. How many hours had he done this? Had he even eaten? She didn't want to wake him up because she knew he must be tired. Instead, she went into the kitchen and quietly went about making pasta and spaghetti sauce. She placed a bottle of water next to him and went about straightening the apartment.

It hurt her stomach to see him this way. She could imagine, now, how much it would hurt to lose Annie. She knew how much he loved Levi, and from what Armin told her, he hadn't been faring much better than Eren. It was awful to see them both in so much pain.

"Hello?" Eren's voice croaked from the living room.

"Hey."

"Mika?"

She walked in and sat down on the couch, trying to smile. She leaned over and handed him the bottle of water. Eren took it, sat up, and twisted the top off. He drank deeply, until he pulled his head away, wiping his chin with the back of his hand. Many of the small pictures of Levi stuck to his body, and others stuck together. He lifted his arm to see them dangling there and huffed a laugh, smiling tiredly at his sister. "Thought I'd try charcoal again. It's been a long time." He squinted. "Not since mom was alive."

Mikasa frowned and reached out to touch his hair. "Doesn't this just make it hurt more, Eren?"

He looked around at the collection of Levis pressed against him. His eyes filled with tears. He swallowed. "Just breathing makes it hurt." He reached for her fingers. "At least this way I can see him without having to see him, you know?"

She nodded. Wondering if Armin had told him, she asked, "Have you heard anything?"

"No," he choked out. "I asked them all to not tell me anything. Otherwise I would run to him, and I...I just can't."

"I understand." She got up from the couch. "I made you pasta and spaghetti sauce for you."

Eren's eyes got wide. "You did?"

She held her hand out to take his arm. "Yes," she smiled. "My Ragu specialty."

He let her pull him up, and the two of them picked all of the papers off of his body. Together, they put them in neat stacks, so as not to smear them too badly. As they walked to the kitchen, she asked him which of the pictures was his favorite.

Leaning against the counter, he looked down for a few moments. "I think when he first looked at me. When Kenny told him to play that song, he looked at me." He took the bowl of spaghetti from his sister and smiled softly. "The feeling of being seen by him. I still feel filled up whenever I think of that."

She nodded. "I bet that would be his favorite too, don't you think?"

"Maybe," he murmured. "It doesn't matter." He spun his fork into the noodles. "I'm sure none of this matters much to him anymore. He's probably doing just fine."

*****

A dappled pattern of light moved across his eyelids. It wasn't painful, the way it would normally be. He hung between this moving pattern in his eyes, and the sounds that came from his apartment. He didn't want to open his eyes. Then no one would talk to him, or demand answers from him. He wouldn't have to see the looks of disappointment from his friends...from Farlan. He hadn't wanted to wake up at all, let alone to this.