Death Battle

Kratos vs Vergil

In this requested battle, I will put the Casper of Sparta, Kratos, and the Wind that is escaping from paying child support, Vergil, against each other in a battle to the death.

The first thing that stands out is that Kratos is bald as shit, which means he's losing one point for an uncreative haircut.

Vergil on the other hand has a pretty neat haircut that makes Kratos jealous and might be the casus belli for this fight? Who knows...

Kratos' coolest act was killing his ally Athena (he forgot friendly fire was still on).

She was an annoying character and I'm glad that she's gone, although she continues to harass Kratos in GOW 3 in the form of a ghost (looks like Kratos is not the only ghost of Sparta)

Vergil's greatest act is to get cheered on by 16 year old fanboys that like him for his "motivation" quotes (motivation is useless, real men believe in discipline)

Vergil disappeared into the night and left a lost shadow behind (a woman who was pregnant with his child)

That's a huge W move and something that I would absolutely do too (women are strong and independent, they don't need a man's help to raise a kid)

This move promoted Vergil to the CEO of the feminist community (because he granted his woman a chance to be free and independent)

Kratos on the other hand did not leave his wife and instead stayed to raise his son (he doesn't trust that a woman is strong enough to raise a kid, the man is a woman hater)

But Kratos was right to do so, as his wife proceeded to die (weak woman, not strong and independent) and leave him alone with his son (she proved that his assumption was correct)

Kratos never got the chance to ask his wife what his son's name was, so he just calls him "Boi"

Boi is an annoying little brat (comparable with Homelander's cringe son Ryan)

Vergil attempted to reunite with his son Nero (why would anyone call their son Nero? The Roman Empire is long gone)

While trying to shake his son's hand in a friendly manner, he accidentally ripped his arm off (son is weak af, can't even shake his father's hand without losing a limb like some kind of insect)

Vergil, afraid that this loser of a son would press assault charges against his own dad, descending in misery and ran away, leaving his son in his garage with a broken car and a missing arm.

Whether Nero called an ambulance or a mechanic is unclear, but he definitely called his uncle Dante (who is obviously way cooler than Vergil, but Vergil fanboys will never accept that)

To our surprise, Nero was not sexually assaulted by his uncle, instead they teamed up and set out to chase after Vergil, who was refusing to give Nero his arm back (rumors say he's using the severed arm to scratch his back, you know, the spots that we can't reach with our own hands? Yeah, those spots)

Meanwhile, Kratos killed Freya's son to spare her all the misery of raising an annoying brat.

Freya couldn't let go of her viking punk, tattoo addicted son and told Kratos that he owes her a son? Kratos=W Rizz

Remember to always kill family members of the girl that you like (69% of a chance that she'll ask you to help her reproduce and replace the missing family member)

We don't really see everything play out, although I did see a red O sign above Freya's head, but since my cat was in my room and she's still underage (only 3 years old, basically a youngling that's waiting to get slaughtered by Anakin), she's not allowed to see sexual content and I was forced to refuse Freya's offer and leave her sonless.

When it comes to weapons, Kratos uses a shield and an axe?

Why use the badass OG blades if you can just turn the franchise into a Dark Souls knockoff and play around with the most generic weapons, right?

Vergil has a katana (he's a cringe western weeb who's pretending to be a japanese samurai)

This battle is basically about a bald greek dude with red paint on his face, pretending to be a Scandinavian Viking.

Against a slightly more stylish, less cool brother of Dante, that wants to be a samurai, but instead keeps turning into a devil dragon. (Or whatever that thing is supposed to be)

Let's check out their stats:

Intelligence: Vergil (smart enough to evade child support, while Kratos is now destined to stay with Boi forever)

Battle IQ: Kratos (I know Kratos and IQ are mortal enemies but he does know how to fight quite well)

Speed: Vergil

Stamina: Kratos

Endurance: Vergil

Strength: Kratos (he does look like a retired bodybuilder that forgot where he left his shaver, so he's probably pretty strong)

Agility: Vergil

Weapons: Kratos has a wider variety of weapons (I mean the cool ones from the older GOW games)

Feats: Vergil

Skill: Kratos

Durability: Vergil

Experience: Kratos

Power: Vergil

Motivation: Vergil

Discipline: Kratos (He's a real man that relies on discipline instead of motivation)

Abilities: Vergil

Greek: Kratos (he's Greek, show him your butthole)

Hax: Vergil

Kratos: 8

Vergil: 10

The battle:

Vergil cuts through time and space (or whatever he's cutting through with his cringe katana) and attacks Kratos with his chair.

The chair gets shattered on impact with Kratos' bald and hardened head.

Kratos pulls out his generic viking weapons (axe and shield) and attacks Vergil, who is able to dodge all of his hits.

Boi runs up to Vergil, shooting arrows at him.

Vergil, feeling the presence of a man's son, gives in to his instinct and rips Boi's arm off.

This makes Kratos mad af and he activates his Sparda Anger...I mean Spartan Rage.

He deals a tremendous amount of damage while in this mode, although he puts his weapons away and starts hitting the target with his bare fists?

Yes, the GOW logic encourages us to show up with our fists to a knife fight.

His punches and kicks rain down on the Chief of Feminism, messing his hair up and thus taking his motivation away.

He drops his katana and goes down on his knees, he can't fight without motivation. (Should've used discipline, dumbass)

Vergil was defeated but the fight was far from over, Kratos knew the hard part was still ahead, as he looked up at the burning red O over Vergil's head.

Kratos looked over to his son and gave him a nod.

Kratos: Watch and learn, Boi.

Vergil looked up with a confident smirk.

Vergil: You have no motivation-

Kratos: I'M GREEK NI-

Kratos bangs extreme dif

Next up is Lex Luthor vs Iron Man, more suggestions are always welcome.