Again

Untitled Part 13

Levi's POV

It's been about seven months already since he left I think, but feels like years since I've talked to him. I would write to him but at times he would barely respond. I bet he's either busy or just forgotten about me already. I know that I'm not supposed to know his location but he somehow gets the letters and writes back. When I receive them, the envelope had no return address. I would wait for him to call and most of the time he does, but the rest of the time was nothing but static on the other end. I would contact Mikasa and Armin but most of the time they were busy with their jobs, I used to know how that felt before leaving. Not wanting to remember, I placed that memory aside. I don't know what to do with myself, it felt like there wasn't a time when I wasn't alone but I know that to be false.

I felt so alone.

I continued to have restless nights since then. At first I would just lay in his bed and stare into the dark nothingness of his ceiling, that eventually led me to think of possible terrible scenarios that are happening to him right now. I then start to cry. Why? I don't even remember. I was sad that he was gone yet happy that he is looking for answers that gnawed at the back of his mind for who knows how long. I hate it when I cry, waking up the next day I looked even worse than I imagined. One day he would see me as this mess and he would leave just like that. I would have terrible headaches afterwards, taking medicine to ease the pain. It can only do so much before I let it go into a numb soreness. Those nights were the worst, I would just lay awake and have nothing to do. I would try to sleep but yet it would not come. I would sleep in the afternoon, the warm sun on my face helped. Sometimes I would even go to the roof at night, remembering the first time we met.

I felt powerless.

It's been so long since the first one that I eventually grew to become an insomniac. I don't even know if that's the right term or if that's how one becomes one but I'll not label something until I met someone who really is one. I just know that I can't sleep, especially alone anymore. I might just he lonely and just desperate but for now I'll just leave it be. I don't remember the last time I ate anything. Yes I do eat but they're only just snacks here and there. I've lost weight, not the ideal way to do it and I really recommend that no one follows in my footsteps as I fell in another's. I don't want anyone to see me, to see the monster that I somehow created by doing such things. By turning myself into the monster that society fears, into a human.

Of course I am a human but some people will understand as they read this. No one is going to be perfect, is going to have clear skin, or is going to be in shape. This is Earth for it's a place of imperfect humans that society put labels on every single fucking thing. Some people show themselves off by doing drugs, tattoos, crimes, or art. There's other ways but when I was young these were a couple of things that I did. Not all of course but that's a different story for a different time. The point is that I have been avoiding the world for a long amount of time that I don't even know the date or year. Like summer but eight times worst. I think it was becoming fall outside or something.

Hanji would try to get me to go out with her but I would decline every time, she would even say that we should go somewhere else, somewhere new, somewhere not here at Eren's house. I felt like if I left then I won't see Eren again. Whenever I leave his place I would make sure to come back in case one day he was there, waiting for me. I'm starting to loose track on time as I don't even know what day it is nor the date.

Eventually Hanji followed me one day to Eren's house as she broke in. I was mad at her but I was more worried about Eren since he hasn't called yet. I sat on the couch as Hanji cleaned the mess that she made. She comes and sits by me as we sat and didn't spoke for a while. It wasn't uncomfortable, but I just wasn't use to her not screaming at the slightest thing. Eventually she started to talk.