BANGIZWE
I feel like a douche for canceling on Lulama like that, especially since I saw how hurt she looked when I told her we couldn't go out anymore. I just didn't see how we could proceed with a normal day out after such a draining Saturday.
Yes they were able to meet and spoke privately and no fight broke out but the strain it took from when we walked in the house. It made me start questioning a lot of things. How am I supposed to do this? How do I make one woman happy without hurting the other one. A simple thing such as seeing me holding hands with Lulama set Nandi of the rails and I have no doubt that right now, in Lulama's mind, I canceled on her because I don't want to upset Nandi... She's not completely wrong. I don't want to upset either of them but that seems inevitable. The difference is that with Nandi I see it it her eyes when we are home that she's not having it easy. With Lulama, she's resorted to just blocking everything out.
For the little amount of time that I've known her, she's never been afraid or reserved to let me know how she feels but that has changed. It's three weeks after the almost disastrous Saturday and I've called her a couple of times and I've passed by her place twice since. The reason for this is because I really don't know how to go about this, I do not want to cause her anymore pain but I can't even be sure that this distance is doing us any good. We've spoken but something has just gone off, she has very little to say, she's not complaining but she's not saying anything either. It's like she's just decided to let everything be, what kills me is that I have no absolute idea what's going on in her mind.
I've resorted to just burying myself in work, I've been working late a lot just as a form of distraction from reality and so far it's been working. Atleast my work doesn't require me to tear myself in half.
"This isn't healthy," Nkosi says entering my office, with his briefcase on one hand and suit jacket on the other arm, he looks like a man whose ready to go home.
"I just want to finish off in this paperwork, I'm meeting with a potential client tomorrow afternoon,"
"Afternoon, meaning you still have enough time to get your stuff together,"
"I'd rather finish now,"
He walks closer and pulls a chair then puts his belongings on the other chair. This gets me to stop what I'm doing and look at him "I thought you were going home,"
"Khanyisa won't mind if I'm a little late. What's going on? Talk to me,"
Normally Nkosiyabo will wait for us to go to him so I know that him approaching me means he's been waiting for quite some time until he decided that it was time to intervene. I run my hands over my face while breathing out through my mouth.
"I thought things had gotten better since they met, wasn't that part of the reason why you brought them together?"
"It was, but I don't know bhut'omdala, I don't know. I don't know how to focus on Lulama without hurting Nandi,"
"Has she been complaining? I mean Nandi,"
"No, that's the thing. I haven't been giving her a reason to complain. These past weeks I've had little interaction with Lulama. I canceled our first date that Sunday after they met and I've just pumped the breaks when it comes to how much I interact with her,"
"And that is all because you don't want to hurt Nandi,"
"She's sacrificed so much for me. I know she walked into this knowingly but does it make it easier on her side? It doesn't and I can't bare to see her hurt. Seeing her cry because of something from my side, something I don't really have control over..."
"What about Lulama?" He asks and I look at him, that's the question that's been at the back of my mind since. Deep down I know that I'm failing her, regardless of the time frame that we've known each other, I know that I'm really failing her and that's something I don't know how to address, "
