NANDI
I don't spend the night with Sli, I'm still too angry to be in the same space with her so instead I shack up with Lulama and Adi. They are kind enough to let me share with them without asking me a lot of questions and what's easier is that Adi came to apologize for her behaviour. I can only hope that Lulama isn't waiting for an apology from Sli because it's not going to happen.
I only go back to our bedroom in the morning so I can bath and pack up. I don't know how we are going to survive this trip. I know she deserves to be left to fend for herself but I guess I haven't reached that level of being cold hearted but with the way I've been replaying my one sided relationship with my sister. I might as well be on my way there.
Last night I was unable to sleep, I was up thinking of all the years that I put up with my sister's abuse. From childhood, I've always been the one to chase after her, the one to reach out, the one to apologize first because I couldn't stomach the tension between us.
I've always had low self esteem issues, I was always the shy one at home, the one to overcompensate, to jump to apologize, to want to make things right because I hate fighting. I remember when I first met Zwe. When I told her she laughed so hard and accused me of making him up because how could someone from such a well known and wealthy family even take a second look at someone like me, those were her exact words. Now that I think about it, I've never been good enough in my sister's eyes, I've never been deserving of anything good and whenever something good comes my way. She's always questioned why or how or even made it out to seem that it's not as good as I make it out to be and if I'm being honest, this breaks my heart.
I wipe my lone tear as I sit up on the bed. The plan was to move out slowly without waking the two but unfortunately I wake them.
"Sorry for that," I mumble setting my feet on the floor and looking away because don't want them to see my face right now. Last night I finally allowed myself to mourn the relationship I always longed for, it's never going to happen and I needed to make peace with it.
"It's okay, we need to get ready too," Lulama says.
"How did you sleep?" Adi asks.
"I slept well, thanks for squeezing me in,"
"It's all good... Uh, chomi... I think I'll shower first,"
"Sure," Lulama says and I just keep facing the other direction until I hear the door closing. It's then that she moves to sit next to me but I keep my bowed.
"You didn't sleep much, last night..." She starts.
"Did I disturb you?"
"No, it was okay... Can I say something?"
"Shoot,"
"I don't know the dynamics between you and your sister and I'm in no place to judge... But I know that Jo one should have to deal with someone who publicly disrespects and disregards them. Whatever is going on between the two of you, I know you might somehow think you're partly to blame or you could have done something differently or maybe you should overcompensating and stay mute whenever they stomp all over you just so they can remain in your life but that is not true, Nandi. You don't always need to hold back, you don't always have to be the peace keeper. You are kind hearted, I understand that and personally I'm grateful for that but sometimes you need to balance that big and loving heart of yours with a bit of voetsek, just a little bit, even if it's just a pinch of it, you know... A little 'fuck off' keeps the disrespect away, I'm sure doctors recommend this too, " She says and I can't help but chuckle, it's how she always keeps things light, it's very refreshing.
" I'm sure I can do that, just a bit of voetsek, "I repeat.
" Exactly, just a little, "She demonstrates with her fingers.
