LULAMA
My entire day at work is a blur and and drag. Starting off the day in a rocky note really took it's toll on me, maybe because it's been a long time coming, this bubble was bound to bust at some point and right now, I am at that 'some point'
I don't know if I should call him, but what would I even say? I don't have answers right now so I scrap off that idea and decide to reach out to the one person I feel will understand my internal battle. I ask to see my sister, alone and she tells me that she'll make it happen so when it's knock off time I drive over to her place and when she sees me, the first thing she does is open her arms up for me
"Before anything, you look like you need a hug so bring it in," She says and I don't need to be told twice. I crash into her arms and something about her comfort makes me free enough to free a couple of tears before pulling away.
"When you asked that I be alone I knew something is definetly wrong,"
"I hope he didn't mind being kicked out in his own house,"
"He doesn't, you know he cares about your well being so he was more than willing. Although he's ready to pay Bangizwe a very unfriendly visit if he's the reason for your tears," She says and I quickly shake my head
"This is all me, he didn't so anything,"
She takes my hand and we walk over to the couch then sit next to each other "What happened?"
"The cracks started showing," I try to smile, she doesn't speak, instead she looks at me and her eyes prompt me to continue talking.
"This morning while talking about the plans I have of opening a pastry shop, one thing led to another, we started talking about my job and why I'm not willing to let it go and it just led to Jim mentioning things that are true, like how I don't trust him and how I'm still one foot in even though we're now married and then he asked if I would leave him if given the chance to undo this and I couldn't answer him and I just... I... "
" Hey, it's okay, just breathe okay? "
" Okay, "
" So if I'm listening correctly, there's a lot of unspoken stuff that got piled up and this morning it came undone, "
" Yes, "
" Why was it never addressed before?"
" Because I thought I had it together, I thought if I just push on the everything would fall into place, "
" But not with you pretending to be fully in it when you're not, he was bound to pick up on it at some point, especially if he's given himself time to get to know you enough to differentiate between when you're being real and when you're just winging it for the sake of it, which is obviously going to hurt when he realizes that you've just been going along with it, "
" I don't know how else to go about it, sesi. I don't know how to be comfortable, how to relax with this, how to trust that everything will be just fine. I don't know how to believe that when he says he loves me he really does... How did you do it? "
" It wasn't an easy thing.. I winged it for sometime until I also got called out on it. The truth is the household that we grew up in was anything but normal, the things we saw... I know I brushed it off because I told myself that I'm not the first person to come from a broken home. I normalized it because it happens everywhere and to anyone right? "
" That's true, we aren't an exception, "
" But that doesn't make it right and it doesn't mean you don't get affected. Seeing your father bring in his mistress while you're sitting with your mother then taking her to their bedroom isn't a normal thing to witness, Lulama. Hearing your mother's meant to be silent cries is anything but normal.
