𝔰𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔠𝔥𝔢𝔡 :: ᴍɪʟᴇꜱ ᴍᴏʀᴀʟᴇꜱ - ᴇ 42

022

around a couple hours after school ended, i was overflowing with boredom. it had been about a week since me and miles made up and we had been getting closer then ever. everyone could notice the romantic tension between us. but i couldn't. and neither could he. even though i was bored out of my mind, i decided to definitely not make the same mistake and leave my house at like midnight.. we all know how that ended last time.

i spent most of my time doodling over my overdue homework while i listened to the music blasting in my ears. drawing was a way for me to calm my senses. not like professional drawing, but like doodling where ever my hand may take me. tonight my hand was set on drawing people. i drew a wonky attempt at miles across the 'name' box above the questions on my page i had yet to answer.

the reason that diana and tyler weren't free tonight was because they were going on a date. tyler finally made the move and he asked her out. i was so happy for her. me and her have been through so much together, and i was happy she'd finally found a love to confide in.

to me, being in love is a pretty serious commitment.

sure, you could like someone. i've liked and still like many people. for example, i like king. i like his personality and his ability to make me feel safe and never uncomfortable. but am in love with him? to be honest never. the only people id truly loved were my family, my dog, diana, and for a while miles.

it takes a whole lot to gain love, and trust from a person. it takes bonding, communication, comfort, and so much more. yet it takes so little to break it down. just one word. one word. and it's all gone. it could be the person you've loved the most. someone you'd give anything to see at the peak of their existence. and yet one word. just one. not even on purpose. and it all come crashing down, like a wrong move in jenga.

my mind was completely empty other then the continuous line of lyrics flowing through it. i was at ease, finally after a while. it had been a while since i had been home alone. even with my mom and my dads crazy work schedule, their busy work shifts were constantly opposing each other. my dad working early mornings to later nights, while my mom worked late nights to earlier mornings.

although today, their busy schedules over lapped, giving me a window to breath. i felt free. it's like being drowned your entire life, and getting the split second moment to breath in. no water crushing you, constantly. just fresh air.

as i hummed my song and switched from doodling to using my phone i started to feel a bit more happier as i saw the date it was November 6th. one day before my birthday. one day before my last year of being a legal teen. after this everything would be about, what college i would be attending, or when i would be getting my own place. i wasn't ready for it. but i had been in such a relaxed state that i wasn't even able to think about that. only excitement filling my feelings. my birthday was tomorrow.

my life had been such a jumble lately i hadn't even remembered how close it was. if someone were to ask me about a week ago when it was, i probably would take a minute for my answer to be formed. all these past days, he'll even the past months. not one thought in my head was about me. i was constantly worried about others. constantly trying to solve puzzles with the wrong pieces. it wasn't until tonight that i realized, my self care. that's the starting point. i cant love someone else, if i don't truly love myself.

determined, i set off all notifications as i grabbed everything i would need. my razor, scrubs, toothpaste & brush, conditioner, shampoo etc. i couldn't walk into my 17th year looking and feeling like garbage. i stayed in the shower for about two hours, doing everything i needed. as i walked out of the hot, steamy sauna into the cool and breezy air of my bathroom, i felt more refreshed then ever. i got dried off and changed as i wrapped a towel around my thick hair to keep it from dripping.