-Lindsey-
My heart starts pounding like crazy when both of Stevie's hands gently meet our grandchild's cheeks. She's staring up at her grandma, blue eyes heavy and sleepy from spending the last nine months growing. And she's so tiny, definitely smaller than both of the babies that Stevie birthed, but she's perfect... Most perfect baby in the world.
"Hi there, sweet girl." She lets her two thumbs run under the girls eyes as tears fall from Stevie's. "You are perfect." She tells her as she slowly brings the six pound baby up to her chest.
"Why is she in here?" I ask the nurse as I look around the NICU at all the other very small babies.
"She had some low blood pressure as well, but we were able to calm her down quickly." The nurse assures as she lets off a very sympathetic smile.
I turn back to Stevie as she cradles Lydia's newborn in her arms, eyes still glued on all of those features. She looks just like her mother with the brown curls, pouty lips and high cheek bones. She's so prefect, just as perfect as Lydia.
Even though I'm very enticed with the little human, I'm also a little curious as to where the kids dad disappeared to.
"Where's Brandon?" I raise an eyebrow as I turn to look for the dip shit who just so happened to contribute to this miracle.
"He had a little bit of a meltdown, but I think he's starting to calm down some." Both of the nurse's hands reach down to pick up the small pink blanket that lays in the bassinet.
He had a meltdown? I could have a meltdown too, but here I am... being an adult.
In all reality, I know that Stevie's oddly calm state won't last once I've blown up. I can see it in her eyes- she's scared. Actually, she's far beyond scared... She doesn't know what comes next.
But how are we expected to? Three hours ago we were excited to be grandparents and now it feels like we're lost in the rubble.
"Do you wanna hold her?" Her voice is soft as she looks over at me for a short moment, but then her eyes fall back on the girl. "Hold her, Linds." she slowly turns towards me as she lowers the baby into my arms.
I can't help but smile when her little hands reach out to grab the air as she makes soft cooing noises. Then her eyes slowly fall closed, only to open back up a second later to look at me.
"Hi..." I whisper, eyes scanning her face as my heart sinks. "It's good to finally meet you, kiddo."
And suddenly, she has me wrapped around her little finger in just that short moment.
~~~~~
-Stevie-
We step back into the hallway, leaving the nurse in the NICU to have a moment to think... but my mind is so caught up in everything else, I can't focus on one single thing. I just feel sick.
"Oh, my gosh." I let out a long sigh as I fall back into the wall for some support.
My legs feel weak, so weak that a part of me things they might just break off.
I can't seem to fathom it. I can't wrap my head around the fact that my favorite girl in the whole world is gone. My beautiful, vibrant, sweet daughter isn't here to celebrate something she's waited her whole life to become.
And suddenly, as I stare down at the tile floor, I can remember it all. I can remember when she used to play 'house' with our neighborhood children and she always wanted to be a mom. Then in high school, she would tell me that she couldn't wait until she got married, had babies and got to stay home with her children all day... She never wanted to work like I did, because she didn't want to be away. She didn't want to miss a single thing and she's missing it all.
She would have been the best there was, but instead of that magic... here we are, getting ready to pick up the pieces of a shattered dream.
"Stevie, I'm scared." Lindsey announces, awkwardly lingering in the middle of the hallway.
He looks a mess and I just now notice it. I was so caught up in my emotions, I forgot that he was probably feeling some, too.
"Me, too." My head softly hits the wall as I look up at the hospital ceiling. "Me, too." I repeat, letting more tears fall down my cheeks.
"What are we gonna do?" His eyes are directed on the floor, probably so I don't have to see him cry... it's been a long time since I've seen him this worked up.
Creasing a brow, I close my eyes to think about it for a second.
What are going to do? He says that like we're a team, and we aren't. This isn't about us... It's about the baby that just lost her mom and what's right for her.
"I want her, Linds." I admit, voice cracking as the tears begin to stream down my cheeks.
I knew it the second we walked into that room that I can't live without her. She's the last piece of Lydia I have and I'll be damned to let anyone else raise her.
He pauses for a second, staring me like I have two heads. "What?" Lindsey creases a brow, shaking his head softly. "Steph-"
"I want her, okay?" I am in a fighting mood and if he wants to argue, we will. "What happens to a child that just lost their mom in the delivery room?" I ask, not expecting to get an answer. "If I have to run to the end of the earth for my rights, I will." I add after a short moment of silence. "I will raise her and I will love her." I whisper, feeling my heart begin to break in two.
I can't think of a worse situation in life...
He just looks at me, both of his hands in his pants pockets as he lingers there. "If you think that's what is best..." he shrugs, finally breaking the overwhelming tension that surrounds us. "I'll be here every step of the way." I wouldn't say I'm shocked to hear him say that, but I will admit that I wasn't expecting it.
I sigh, hiding the tears with one hand, but it's nearly impossible.
"Can I hug you?" He asks in a weak tone of voice... he needs it, too.
Nodding my head, I put one foot in front of the other to trail his way, a deep sigh of relief escaping me when I feel him wrap his arms around my waist.
I realize, in this very moment as I sink into my ex husband, that he's the only other person in the world that knows what I feel... No one else got the privilege to be her dad and I was lucky enough to be her mom, and now we're both feeling the catastrophic pain of losing her.
No will ever understand, not like Lindsey.
So I let him hold me for awhile- probably at least ten minutes, and he allows me to cry into his shirt... We've been here before, not in this awful situation, but in this same position.
"We'll get through this." One of his hands slowly circles the small of my back as I bury my face further into his neck.
"You've said that before."
