-Stevie~
I spend the next couple of weeks with my mother, Luca and the baby.
We don't do much, but having them around is enough for me to know that I have support, even if it won't be constant once they both head back to their separate lives. They both have things to do and I can't hold them back... I have to learn to do it alone and I will.
I've only talked to Lindsey a couple of times in the last weeks, and he's still assured me that next week he'll be moving into his condo. I don't know what that means. I don't know who is coming with him in terms of Matthew and Katrina, but all I do know is that I truly need him. I need help.
Luca and Barbara are both amazing, but it's really not the same. I've never had an infant all alone, without him being here.
I can't remember a night when I woke up alone to feed a crying baby. He was always there and now he's not, which makes me feel like I'm doing everything so wrong.
~
"Did you get everything packed okay?" I sit in the living room on the sofa, tickling the baby, who lays flat on her back to look up at me.
"I think so, my dear." My mom is going home in the morning- courtesy of Luca, who has decided to drive her on his way back to school.
"That's good," I'm actually very sad about her leaving.
She's the only person I've truly felt connected to, besides Lindsey... She loved Lydia as much as I did, so she's really gone with the motions with me the last couple of weeks.
"You know I'm only one phone call away, and I'll come visit as much as I can, TeeDee." She knows that this is going to be hard for me.
I finally broke down and admitted how nervous I am do this...I wouldn't want it any other way, though. I wouldn't want anyone else to raise this baby, but my age is such a scary factor and I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I've been thinking about how old I'm going to be when she goes to kindergarten, or if I'm even going to see her graduate college. It all makes me sick to my stomach, but I know that I have to look past it and pray that I experience almost every huge moment in her life right along side her.
Suddenly, she's my entire world.
"Where is Luca?" She falls into the arm chair across the room as I slowly rub Lynleys tiny legs.
"He went out with some friends for awhile," He needs to get out, hang out with other people who aren't totally sad all the time, like we are... at least I am.
"Did he go on a date with Mandy?" She's talking about a girl he met at school- one he's made multiple trips to see.
He did have a girlfriend for a couple of weeks, but his standards of dating aren't like most other peoples standards of dating, so it didn't last long... it never does.
"I'm not sure, Mom." I let off a shrug, because Luca's relationship is the last thing that's been on my mind recently.
She rolls her eyes as she slumps back into the chair a little further.
It's not that I don't want to talk, but I find it so hard to have simple conversations when all I can think about is Lydia.
I know that I have to move on at some point in my life, but's it's only been a couple of weeks and I'm not ready. I'm not ready to go back to a normal life and learn to forget about the tragedy we just endured.
