-Stevie-
Looking up at the bedroom ceiling, way before the sun is to ride, all I can think about is last night.
I feel like a big truck ran me over, and then backed up to do it again...
Last night I felt this feeling that I haven't in a long time.
It was the same feeling I had felt my entire marriage up until the last six months, which was how long it took to officially be divorced, but other than that I always felt in love and I do right now... or I did last night, at least.
I know I shouldn't, because he didn't want to be with me forever before, so he probably doesn't want to grow old with me now- that's just common sense.
He can tell me all the compliments in the world and for one night, they might just be good enough, but that doesn't always make up for the past, which was full of hurt.
I let out a sigh as I slip out of bed, grabbing my robe off the floor to throw over my body.
He's still wrapped up in the sheets, flat on his stomach, while his snores fill the bedroom.
Before I have the urge to crawl back in with him, I slide down the staircase and into the kitchen.
The sun is just starting to come up, which creates this wonderful morning glow in the sunroom, where I find myself most mornings. I settle onto one of the chairs, with my journal and a cup of coffee. I need to write, or at least try to, because I've had no time or ambition to do so in last couple of weeks.
It's easy to throw so much hurt from a bad breakup... or a divorce into lyrics, but when your hurt comes from the death of your child- it's different. It's almost impossible for me to explain how much pain comes with such a great loss, but most people know what it feels like to have a broken heart- so it's almost easier.
I spend hours, letting my hand take me in its own way- a way to let out some sort of bottled up emotion.
I draw Lydia, smiling and happy- just like she was almost all the time. She was perfect and I know that this is how I always want to remember her- timeless, spontaneous, and young, because that's what she was.
She was all the good things in life.
"Stevie?" Karen's voice fills the sunroom, causing my hand to stop moving.
I look down at my finished product, and I can't help but smile at how well I captured her beauty.
"In here," I shut my journal, setting it on the stand to wrap my robe around myself a little better. "Well, hello there." I smile wide at Lynley, who is wrapped up in Karen's arms.
"What happened?" She bites down on her lower lip, sitting across from me with the baby still in her arms.
"I don't know," I know- I definitely know what happened last night, but I'm not sure I'm ready to admit it out loud.
"Well, does this mean-"
"Karen," I let out a groan, head repeatedly hitting the back of the chair. "Can I just see my granddaughter?" I've missed her, even if I've been preoccupied...
"Of course," she gets up to bring her over, setting her down in my lap.
"Hi, sweet girl." I think I've grown to need Lynley just as much as she needs me.
"Good morning," Lindsey trails into the room, wearing an old t-shirt and pair of sweatpants.
"Did you sleep well?" Karen smirks, crossing one leg over the other as she shoots daggers my way.
"I did," he chuckles, which sends chills up my spine.
We shouldn't have done what we did, because I feel like silly putty at his feet. I miss him, I do. I miss spending every night in our bed, talking about our day as the nightly news plays over our voices. I miss having breakfast with our children on Sunday mornings, and dinner with friends on Saturday nights. I miss everything about our marriage, but it hurts the most to know that he's in a different marriage- yet I allowed him to break the same vow that broke my heart.
I had an affair with Katrina's husband....
"Hi, baby." Lindsey sits down next to me, taking one of Lynleys small hands in his much larger one. "Did you have a good sleep over?" His baby voice makes me melt, because he's just so great with children.
"I need to talk to you, Lindsey." I push myself up, handing Karen the baby as I lead him back into the hall.
~~~
-Lindsey-
"Oh, boy..." I mouth to Karen as I head for the door.
She's still wrapped in her red robe and her long hair is down in messy curls. She still looks incredibly beautiful, even with her sleepy eyes, but I have a feeling that isn't what she wants to be told this morning.
"What's up?" I already know I'm in trouble- I don't have to be told, because those brown orbs radiate hate sometimes.
"What was that last night?" She stands in the middle of the room, while I stay more towards the door in case I need to make my great escape.
I think about it for a second, trying to think of the right words. "It was..." I shrug, not sure what she expects from me.
"Well, it can't happen again." Here we go again.
"Do you not understand what it means when someone says 'I love you?'" I don't get it.
I told her last night ten times and I've told her ten more in the last couple of months.
"I have other things to worry about, and this can't be one of then."
"Come on, Stevie." I roll my eyes, getting really tired of playing this game with her.
"You don't want this, okay? I know you don't." She raises an eyebrow, crossing her arms over her chest.
"How do you know what in the fuck I want, Stevie?" I can't help but shout. "I made one mistake and I've paid the price. I did what was right, but I want you... I want to be with you." I settle down some, because yelling at her probably isn't my best bet. That never gets us far. "What else do I have to do?" I ask in very gentle tone of voice.
She stares at me for a long moment, thinking about it before she replies. "Rewrite history."
