-Lindsey-
Sitting in the chair across the room, I watch intently as Stevie cradles our unnamed granddaughter in her arms. She's been holding her for hours- singing to her, talking to her and crying. A lot of crying.
It's already long after visiting hours have ended. It had been hectic in the waiting area up until nine o'clock, when everyone had to scatter and head back to Stevie's house, except for us.
There's just no way she's leaving the baby here, all alone with no one and I don't think I could either.
"She probably needs a name, Steph." I watch as she gently runs the pad of her index finger along the girls little nose.
"Did Lydia ever say anything about names to you?" She says as she tilts her head up to look at me for the first time in hours.
Her eyes are nearly bloodshot from the tears, the stress and the lack of sleep she's gotten.
I think about it a minute, trying to remember if Lydia had ever even really talked about names for her unborn baby. She was more secretive about it- she didn't even want to know what gender her child was until it was born, so I'm sure she was probably was just gonna name her when she saw her... That's just how my girl did things.
She was spontaneous and adventurous...
"I don't remember." I shrug, suddenly feeling a new set of tears lingering.
"Can you do me a favor?" She whispers, biting down on her lower lip.
"Anything, baby." I don't know why I called her that, because she's hated that more than she's hated me, but it slipped and she goes with it.
"I need you to stay with her, please." She motions to the sleeping little baby in her arms, one I already love with all my heart. "I'm gonna go back to my house and look for her journal. If she had picked out a name for this baby, it's in there." She slowly stands up, bringing the baby over to me. "I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?" She sounds shaky, which just breaks my heart a million times over.
"Be careful," I hold out my arms as my eyes quickly land on the sleeping baby, still wrapped up tight in the yellow blanket that Barbara made for her.
"Thank you," She gives me a weak smile as her hand falls on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. "She got your nose, Lindsey." She announces, making me laugh, because it really does look like a smaller version of mine. "Buh- bye." She says as she walks towards the door and then she disappears down the hallway.
I feel really lonely after she's gone, even though I'm holding the newest member of our family in my arms.
I've never missed my marriage with her as much as I do now, and I've missed my old life everyday for the last eight years. It's hard spending time with her, because it brings back all these old feelings and maybe they aren't even old, maybe they're just hidden. Maybe it's easier to live out my mistake than to admit that I still love the woman I cheated on...
"Hi, Angel." I look down to see her eyes melting into mine. "You don't cry much, do you?" I let out a laugh as she shows me her little pink gums. "Do you miss grandma? Is that why you woke up?" I whisper, softly swaying her back and forth. "It's okay, I miss your grandma too."
~~~~~
-Stevie-
I cry the entire way home- ugly cry. The kind of crying you only do when you're all alone and no one is there to soothe you.
I finally control myself when I pull down my packed driveway, knowing full and well I can't go in this distraught.
Everyone came back here to stay, probably hoping we'd come home with the baby in the morning, but I don't think it'll be that easy. I haven't even spoken to Brandon about my plans to take the baby, but a part of me doesn't think he'll really mind much. He doesn't have a stable income, place to live or anything that he can really call his own... He wasn't ready for this to begin with.
When I push open the front door, I'm met by the sound of the television in the living room and soft voices lingering somewhere around here.
I creep around the corner to be met by my son laying his head in my mother's lap on the sofa, while Katrina and Matthew sit in the recliner, all of them fast asleep.
"Honey?" Lori stands in the kitchen doorway, already in her silk pajamas with a bottle of water in one hand.
"Oh, Stevie." Sharon and Mary are both right behind her, all of them wearing a similar, sad look on their faces.
"I'm sad." I whisper, tears falling down my cheeks as Lori crushes me into a big hug.
I melt right into her, mumbling sad thoughts as she soothes me the best she knows how. She probably doesn't know what to say, because I know nothing will make me feel any better, and so does she. I will never be the same after this... never.
"Did you need something, sweetheart?" I can feel Sharon run her fingers through my tangled hair as she stands right behind us.
"I- I was gonna get Lydia's journal." I feel weird saying that, because I would never even think about opening it before tonight, but I have to.
"Come on, we'll help you." Mary pipes in, holding out her hand for me.
We all trail up the staircase of my home, headed for Lydia's old bedroom at the very end of the hallway.
Lori pushes open the door, and my heart sinks.
Lindsey and I spent three days painting it a cream color, right before he moved out to live in a condo with Katrina. Of course, it was purple before that, but when she first came home, it was the softest shade of yellow we could find.
And suddenly, I'm taken back. I can remember sitting on the floor, watching him paint those fours walls. I can also remember listening to music on my record player, sitting in the rocking chair at almost nine months pregnant as he stenciled the butterflies on over that. And I can even remember the first night she came home- we watched her sleep for so long in her crib in this very room, constantly checking to make sure she was okay.
Then, after that, I was telling her to turn her music down at one in the morning when she was going through her punk rocker phase... It feels like yesterday.
And before I knew it, we packed up her bedroom, put it all in boxes and sent it to UCLA for four whole years.
I can remember everything about her... And it hurts to know that she'll never come back to spend the night with me, and watch movies in my bed as we eat ice cream and gossip.
We loved that.
"Is this it?" Sharon pulls me out of my thoughts as she stands next to the nightstand, holding up Lydia's leatherback journal.
"Yea," I nod my head, falling onto the edge of her queen size bed. "I can't read it... can you do it?" I bite my bottom lip, watching Sharon give me a sad frown.
"Are you sure?" She whispers, sitting down in the black accent chair in the corner of the room.
"Please." I can't do it, because then it'll feel too real.
She gently flips it open, scanning each page in hopes to find something about the baby. I just look around the room at all the decor she had picked out within the last couple of years.
She has her own apartment, but she always kept this room like a sanctuary.
"I think I might have found it." Sharon doesn't take as long as I figured she would, but that's okay, because I want to get back to Lindsey and the baby anyway. "Here." She has a weak smile as she passes it over to me.
I look down at the handwriting I've always loved. It's so perfect, so proper. I scan the page, reading all her wonderful thoughts on what she was carrying for nine special months.
"Lynley..."
