-Stevie~
I lay in bed early the next morning, listening to the sound of muffled conversation from the hallway. It's Lindsey and Luca standing out there, probably trying to figure out a cure for an unhappy infant.
Lindsey offered to keep her in the living room with them last night to give me a 'break.' But it wasn't very relaxing, because all I could think about was the baby and if she was alright. Of course, I had to sneak down there many times during the night just to check on all three of those babies, while Lori and Sharon stayed fast asleep in my bed.
I don't know what I'm going to do once this house clears out. Luca goes back to school, the girls have to go home, along with my mother and Lindsey isn't going to stay with me forever, though he has assured me that he'd stay close.... he won't be here.
I'm so scared. I'm so horrified that I won't do this right and I'll mess up somewhere along the way. I haven't had a baby in almost twenty years and here I am- into my sixties and trying to take care of an infant all alone besides some minor help...
I can't let Lydia down- not now.
"I'm awake." I've been up for awhile, but I needed a moment to myself since the girls have already headed downstairs for breakfast. "You can come in, boys." I add as I push myself up a little to lay my head back on the headboard.
"Steph," Lindsey slowly pushes open the door with Luca right behind him, with the baby in his arms.
"She won't eat, Mom." He lets out a sigh as he looks down at his niece.
"Come to grandma, sweet girl." I hold out my arms for the girl who has so quickly captured my heart through this time devastation. "You're not eating?" I whisper down to the little girl in my arms.
Her eyes are wide as she looks right up at me. She's so perfect, and so tiny, which of course reminds me of her equally amazing mother.
"Here's her bottle, honey." Lindsey has these dark bags under his eyes, probably mirroring the ones under my own that I'm going to work hard to cover for the funeral.
"You have to eat, little one." I say as I gently shake the bottle that Lindsey made for her. "You have to maintain those chubby cheeks now, darling." I giggle, helping her hold the bottle as she slowly opens her mouth to eat.
"Oh, look- you're her favorite." Lindsey lets out a chuckle as he sits down on the edge of his old bed.
"She just needed a little granny encouragement." Luca says, which makes me roll my eye.
"Come lay with me, honey." I use one hand to pull the comforter back on the other side of the bed for Luca.
And he does. He slides right under the covers with me, laying his head on my shoulder as I rock the baby and Lindsey softly rubs my leg through the white comforter.
I can sense that he's feeling just as I am- terrible. I don't want to get out of bed, because that means I have to go sit through my favorite girls memorial service and I don't think I can do it. I tried so hard last night to write a eulogy, but I couldn't put into words how amazing my girl was. I couldn't formulate sentences that would force all of those people there to understand how in love I was with my daughter. I will never be able to physically tell someone how extremely happy I was every time I was in her presence... it's just impossible to explain the perfection Lydia obtained her entire life, but I know that anyone who truly knew her, knew how kind and charitable she really was.
It's quiet in the room until a soft knock pulls us from the daze we've all thrown ourselves into. "Hey, sweeties." My mother slowly pushes open the bedroom door, leaning to one side with a small frown marking her face.
"Good morning," Lindsey is the only one of us who is able to find some words this time of the morning.
"I think we should start getting around to get there early enough for visiting hours." She knows I'm going to have an absolutely miserable day, and I can assume that she probably will as well.
Lindsey turns back to me, eyes already transforming from my favorite shade of blue to a sad gray. I just let out a long sigh as I kiss my sons head, silently telling him it's time to get up.
"I'll see you downstairs, sweetheart." I whisper, lips still slightly pressed to his messy curls.
~~~
-Lindsey~
I stand in the full length mirror, readjusting my tie for the hundredth time this morning as tears fill my eyes.
It's going to be a rough day.
"Lindsey, it's time to go." Katrina stands in the doorway of the hallway bathroom, wearing a black dress while her thick hair is tangled into a weird looking bun.
"Let's go, Kat."
~
It takes only about twenty minutes for a row of cars to line up outside the funeral home, where the rain is viciously hitting the pavement. Our walk through the double doors is completely silent, besides the sound of Barbara sniffling.
Inside there are boards lined up around the room with a million pictures of Lydia, but I'm more focused on the casket that lies right across the room with beautiful flowers sent by loved ones right around it.
It isn't long until I collapse into a chair, listening to this guy talk about life after death and how we move on. I don't think it will ever be possible. I don't think moving forward will ever come natural or be welcomed.
She was everything to me.
"I'm so happy I have you." Stevie's sitting right next to me, one of her hands tangled in mine.
I look over at her for a second, leaning in to leave a soft kiss on her head. "I love you, Steph." I whisper as the brims of my eyes quickly fill with tears.
"I love you."
