Mental mess

Kiss

I come to school a couple of days later, me and my brother thought it was good if I was home a couple of days and cool of a bit after what I did. The first person I see sitting at the gate is James and he immediately hugs me tightly.
"God I was so worried about you!" He says and pulls away. And looks at me with a slight smile but he still has a concerned face. I just look down shuddering my feet.
"Look I'm so sorry..." I mumble and don't make eye contact with him. He looks at me a bit unsure then speaks up again.
"Why did you do it? What it because of me?" He asks carefully not to offend me or make me upset.
"I didn't OD because if you... I just wanted to be okay... because I really wanted to be okay so I could be with you... but I'm not okay..." I say and while I say the last thing my voice breaks and some small tears runs down my face but I quickly wipe them away. James looks at me with wide open eyes, he doesn't know what to say or do. I look up at him.
"Please say something..." I mumble trying not to cry but I feel the tears in my throat.
"Hannah..." He says and stops I can hear his voice shaking, he was also near tears. "No matter what we will get through it okay?" He says and takes my hands and would rub his thumb on the top of them. Then I feel both him and me move closer to each other and out faces where just inches apart from one another and I could feel his hot breath on my skin, I feel our lips touch gently as we kiss. I pull away after a while I shake my head slightly.
"James... I can't... i what so bad to be okay but I'm not... and I need to figure stuff out before anything happens between us.." I say and look at him with sad eyes. He nods but there is sadness written all over his face.
"I understand..." He mumbles the. Walks away leaving me there with the biggest stone in my stomach. I dwelt so bad for not being with him.