Mental mess

To late

⚠️ HUGE TRIGGER WANING FOR SUICIDE ⚠️

As soon as I got home I looked around for my brother and when I found him on the couch I went up to him and gave him a tight hug. I could tell he was startled by the sudden affection but soon he gave in and wrapped his arms around me.

"Well this was unexpected from you" He says and hugs me tighter then pull away and plants a kiss on my forehead. In usual I would just wipe it off and look disgusted but this time I just let it be. I hugged him for a few more minutes and I find myself fighting back tears. I pull away after a short while and stand up from the couch and whisper to him.
"I love you... I hope you know that..." I say and he looks at me with a puzzled look on his face but I could see a soft and loving expression in his eyes and he smiled at me.
"I love you to mouse-brain" He says in a joking voice, I smile at him then walk up to my room and close the door. I lay down in my bed feeling everything at the same time, happy, sad, relieved, scared but also a bit angry, not at anyone else but myself. At myself because I didn't fight any longer for my brother, my family that was still at the old house and for James...

That day I had everything done, everything was in place and every letter was done. The letters, i tho us it to myself. The letters that I would give to my brother, to my mother, my father, and.. James... James my only real friends here, sometimes I hoped it would be more then that, but I couldn't do it, not to him I didn't wanna break his heart once again. As I'm laying there in my bed staring in to the distance just lost in my thoughts I start to think if this is really the way out of this, but I quickly come to a conclusion that if I keep going I will end up on the same path sooner or later. I couldn't help but feel a bit scared though. I mean this was the day I was going to leave everything behind me, my friends and family, but not to mention the world. The world is a cruel place sometimes but some parts is just to get though until your reach the top. That is until you reach a mountain that you can't climb..

That same evening after I had a nice dinner with my brother I walked up to my room and take some deep breath's trying to prepare myself for the night. I take out the letters that I had wrote and would put them in a nice envelope on my table with a note beside it. I read the note one final time to look over it.

The note:

Hey I want you to deliver these letter to the people who have their name on them. And I know how curious you are but don't peek at anyone's okay? And I left one for you too. Now keep fighting brother...

I let out a deep sigh and rub my eyes then look around in my room and then start to take out the stuff. I go over to a locked drawer in my room and take out a bottle of vodka, some small white pills and at last I take out a small razor blade. I open the bottle of vodka and take a big sip of the vodka. Then I take about twenty of the pills from the bottle and shove them all into my mouth, I don't even stop and taste them. My head feels a bit fuzzy from the combination of the two. I try to ignore it then I finally take out the small razor blade and look at it for a long time.

'Was I really going to do this? Is this a mistake? While people even be sad about my death?' I thought to myself then I take a deep breath and sank the sharp object in to my soft skin and pressed down hard making the blood starting to pour out of my arm and I look at it. I was almost mesmerized but it's movements down my arm. I can feel myself getting a bit more closer in and I can barely hear anything more the a small ringing sound in my ears. I felt really bad and I rub my eyes and as I go to stand up I stumble and some small black dots are forming in front of my eyes and that's when the fear and regret kicks in and I stumble to the door to my room and start to fumble with the lock on it trying desperately to get out of the room. I finally hear a small click in the door handle and press it down and take one step out in the hall way blood dripping fast from my slit open wrists but as I'm about to call for help I feel my legs give away and I fall to the ground as everything goes black...