Mental mess

Grounded

"What the hell were you thinking!?" My brother shouts at me when I get home.
"They were giving me detention for everything!" I shout back at him.
"And that's gives you the right to call your teacher a dipshit!" He shout at me with a stern tone. "That's the last drop you are grounded for a month!" He says then points at the stairs. "Go to your room" He says then he says a little quieter but still furious.
"I hate you!" I shout at him grinding my teeth then I run up to my room my steps angry and I don't even care about skipping the fifth step I just run up the stairs and shout the door with a loud bang.

I lay down on the bed looking up at the ceiling, as I just lay there my mind starts racing and I think back to that night a couple of weeks ago. How the rain had been pouring down and how it felt to leave mom and dad. And how the guilt was eating me alive and still was. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't even want to move.I just wanted to be home again, home in mom and dads arms, home sitting down by the open fire and home where all my friends were. But I was stuck here in this rotten old house in a new city with new people. I pulls out of my thoughts and realize i had tears running down my face, I quickly wipe them away and sit up in my bed. I knew I was grounded but what had I to do in that old house? Nothing. I grab my phone then open the window and look down, it was a long way down as I was on the second floor but then I notice the fire ladder on the side of the house and I pull it towards there window. Then I start to climb down but I have to go slow as the ladder was wet and slippery. As soon as I get down from the ladder I run, I run as fast as I can so that my brother wouldn't notice me. When I'm far away from the house I pull up my phone and call someone.

"Hey" I say through phone still panting from the run. "Can we meet up in the park?" I ask through the phone my breathing starting to calm down.
"Yeah, just bring money" I hear the person on the other alone say then hang up.

I start walking to the park with heavy steps. And my mind starts racing again.

Am I really going to do this again? Am I really going to betray my brother? I promised him I would stay clean.

My mind is racing but I sit stop walking I see the park closing in and I sit down in a bench. Not soon after a man comes up to me in his mid-20s. He takes out a small plastic back with five small white pulls, I know those pills to good.
"Do you have to money?" The man asks holding out the plastic bag. I nod and then take out a few 20 dollar bills from my pocket that is nicely rolled and with a rubber band around it.
"Here..." I say quietly and give it to him then take the pills. He takes the money then walks away quickly leaving me with the pills in my hand. I look at them with sad eyes, I knew very well that what I was about to do was not good but I couldn't stop myself and quickly take to pills in my mouth and I feel the surface on them with my tongue it's almost as sandpaper. After felling them on my tongue for a while I swallow them. Then I start heading home again. I feel a huge stone in my stomach as I knew I had betrayed my brother, I had promised him to stay clean and to never do drugs again but I had broken that promise. The guilt was eating me alive but then the pills kicked in and everything felt so much better and walking home felt like walking on clouds. My mind was foggy which made me unable to think of all the problems in the world around me.

I get back to the house and I start climbing up the ladder again and I have trouble not falling as my head is foggy and I can't think straight but after a lot of climbing I finally get up to my room and I get in the house again then when I turn around I see my brother looking at me with a stern face.
"I thought I said you were grounded" He says and looks at me with cold eyes.
"I don't remember that" I slur a bit from the pills that I had taken and my brother notice immediately and walk up to me and look in to my eyes.
"Are you high!?" He shout at me but the shout is not with anger it is with concern in his voice, he cups my face in his hands. "You told me you would stay clean" He says and looks at me worriedly, he looks like he is on the verge of crying. He pulls me in to a tight hug.
"We are going to fix this okay?" He says and hug me even tighter. I just stand there my arms are hanging numb on each side of me and I don't hug him back. And suddenly I feel the tears in my eyes.
"I'm so fucking sorry..." I say then hug him back.