It seems like it takes hours for me to make it to the hospital, but when I finally step into the emergency room, I'm met by a complete nightmare.
My two grandchildren are sitting in the waiting room still in their pajamas, fighting over a blanket, while Lori tries to find cartoons on the television to keep them entertained.
And now I realize that I really shouldn't have even left the house... I should not left them alone and I knew that this morning. I knew that Joplin couldn't handle them all- I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, yet I still walked out that door.
This is my fault.
"Grandma!" Marissa lets go of the blanket, jumping off the couch to run towards me.
My heart starts pounding as I bend down, picking her up to give her a gentle squeeze. "Hi, sweet girl." Kissing the side of her head, I can feel the tears build up to the brims.
Lori turns around quickly, a deep sigh of relief escaping her. "We need you," She admits, setting the remote down on the wooden stand after finding Mickey Mouse.
Nodding my head gently, I set Marissa back on the floor to run back to the couch and rip the blanket out of her brothers hands. "Is he okay?" I whisper, hoping my tears don't fall quite yet.
Looking from me, to the kids and then back to me, she shakes her head very slowly. "It was bad..." she whispers back, another heavy sigh filling the air around us.
"Where's Joplin?" I swallow hard, turning on my heel to head back into the hallway with Lori right on my trail.
"She's talking to a nurse, but she's also very worked up." She assures, creeping up next to me as I pause in the center of the empty hall.
Closing my eyes, I lean back against the wall for support... I can feel my knees grow weak and stomach twist into tight knots. "I should have been there." I should have been- I should have stayed... I could have protected all of my babies from this roller coaster. I did it once before, I could have done it again.
"Stevie," her voice quickly transitions from that soft, gentle vibe to a more warning tone. "Don't do that to yourself." Lori reaches out slowly, taking my hand in hers carefully.
Blinking a couple of times, my eyes drop to the floor. "I know," I run my thumb back and forth across her knuckles, just so she knows that I appreciate her.
She was there for me the morning he had his first stroke- I called her right after I called 911 and she made it to our house before the ambulance. She spent hours trying to help us adjust once we got back home- she was my right hand for a long time. She helped cook dinner, she listened in on almost all of my conversations with his nurse to make sure there was no stone left unturned and she even slept over for the first couple weeks after Jerry went to the nursing home... She's always here, so I am not surprised that Joplin called her when I didn't answer my phone.
"I'm gonna go see him." I nod softly, wrapping my arms around her neck for a quick hug.
"Let me know what I can do." She whispers, kissing the side of my head before I slip away and head down the hall.
I only takes me a second and then my eyes settle on my girl, standing close to the double doors, talking with a nurse. She has one arm wrapped around herself as she uses the other hand to hold up her chin and I am incredibly grateful that she isn't in her jammies as well... I would feel even worse if she were.
"Hi," I make my presence known- not to internally cut off the nurse, but to kind of get her to pause for a moment.
"Mom," She quickly takes my hand, melting into my arms the second I'm in arms length.
Biting down on my lower lip again, I run my fingers through her long hair for a short second. "It's okay, sweet girl." I don't know if things really are okay, but I do know what she needs to hear right now.
Joplin isn't naive, but she has always been very sensitive. She likes to be reassured, especially in times as confusing as this... I just want to protect her, even though I know I can't do that forever either.
"You must be his wife?" The nurse asks as soon as I'm able to get Joplin settled down a little.
We're a lot alike and for some reason, I can assure her while I have a million reasons to doubt. Being a mother is quite interesting in that sense.
"Yes," I assure, feeling as Joplin tangles her fingers in between mine. "How is he?" I ask, almost unsure that I really want to listen in on it, but I assume I have to.
Before I know it, her words are floating around us, some of it going in one ear and out the other. I know I need to understand all of this, I'm going to be taking care of him, after all, but I just want to see him.
I think I'll feel better when my eyes meet his and I know that we can get through this. We've gotten through so much, of course we can get through this little bump in the road.
We're strong together.
"He's resting, but I'm sure he'll be happy to know you're here." Those words are little music to my ears, finally.
"Thank you so much," I let off a little nod, watching as she ventures back towards the nurses station.
Joplin and I stay silent for a minute- a really long minute. I don't know what to say, because repeating "it's okay" a million times will eventually get old and little unbelievable... sometimes silence is the loudest form of communication.
"Can you ask aunt Lori to take the kids home while I go talk to daddy." I ask, secretly needing just a moment alone with my husband.
"Sure, mom." She replies, letting go of my hand gently.
I wait for a second to collect my thoughts and then I slip into his room. But the moment I do, the sound of all his machines making this awful beeping noise sends the entire world spinning around me.
