I sit by his bed for almost an hour, trying to talk him through the nightmare that has him so agitated with me... He can't remember our daughters names most days of the week, but he can remember the most heartbreaking moment in our entire lives and that truly breaks my heart more and more each time we go through this cycle.
I can't take it back, but if I could- I would a million times over and he knows that... He knows that broke me for years following the loss of our son.
"Thank you." I whisper through the room as I lead the way back into the hallway, since Jerry has finally closed his eyes for the night.
"Are you okay?" Alli gives me a gentle frown as we all come to a stop just feet away the door.
"I'll be just fine." I'm not okay right this second... I will never be okay when it comes to our youngest.
He was everything to me- the sun, the moon and the stars all in one. I mean, don't get me wrong, both of my girls are incredibly special, but I don't think anyone had ever captured my heart the way he did the moment my eyes met his almost twenty- two years ago...And I know that I had made mistakes as a mother, as a wife, but after seeing a therapist, going to AA and even overcoming most of my nightmares, sometimes I find it easy to breathe. But then, with very little effort, my husband is able to remind me of the things I've lost.
"Have a good night," Ali lets off a gentle, encouraging smile as she leans in for a quick hug.
"Goodnight, ladies." I wiggle my fingers softly, a deep breath escaping me as I head in the direction of the common area to fish out my phone and call for a cab to get home.
I just want to lock myself in my room, close my eyes and drift away for just a few hours. I have always found it soothing to pretend like the world isn't totally crumbling around me, though I know that solution isn't the wisest form of comfort. But I do it anyway, because forgetting is so much easier, in my opinion.
But my thoughts run short when I step into the room, eyes settling on Lindsey. He's sitting on the couch, legs propped up in the ottoman in front of him as his eyes flutter open and then closed again- trying to stay awake, but obviously struggling to do so.
"Lindsey?" It comes out as a gentle whisper, only because I can't believe he's still here- I thought he would have surely just headed back home after dropping me off.
"Hey," he smiles softly, trying to hide the fact that he's totally exhausted. "Everything okay?" He lets out a gently yawn, pushing himself off the couch.
Nodding my head, I can't help but crease my brows lightly. "Everything's fine." I assure, watching as he trails towards me. "You didn't have to stay, Lindsey." I would never expect him to sit around while I dealt with my discombobulated husband... That isn't fair, not for anyone.
"I wanted to make sure you got home safely." He shrugs causally, pushing open the door for me to slide out into the chilly morning air.
"I could have gotten a cab." I don't want him to think
I was planning on him staying- I mean, I'm glad he did, but I wouldn't want him to think I... I don't know, that I'm using him in any way.
He gives me a smirk, jogging ahead of me to pull open the passenger side door for me. "A cab? At three in the morning?" The way he says that, almost like it's totally irrational almost makes my heart skip a beat. "I feel better driving you home."
Smiling softly, I scoot in, almost completely stunned with him yet again.
It's been a long time since a man has really shown me any type of affection, but this man is far different than any I think I've ever even met... He really is like one in million.
~Lindsey~
Standing behind her, I twist the curling iron between her thick locks, trying hard not to burn myself in the process. "I'm not gonna lie, baby," smirking softly, I gently running my fingers through the curls. "I'm getting good at this." I have to be a little cocky... I begged for her weeks to let me take her to the hairdresser before I started doing this every other day.
Jenny lets out a soft laugh, shaking her head lightly. "Thank you, my dear." She half whispers as she reaches up to take my hand in hers.
"As pretty as always." Leaning down, I kiss her forehead softly before tugging the cord out of the wall.
"Can we talk?" Using her index finger, she motions for me to take a seat in the chair across from her... I have found myself sitting in this talking chair a lot lately.
"Of course, Jen." I don't want to talk- I don't want to jump into the depths of the things happening around us, but I guess that's just inevitable sometimes.
There is so much on her mind, I can tell just by the lost look in her eyes. I'm sure she's worried about everything under the sun, like the fact that our oldest is preparing to become a father and how our youngest hasn't been home in six months... I'm sure she's worried about how we're all going to make it alone- I'm worried about that too.
"You haven't told me much about this..." waving softly, "this friend," she adds, a gentle smirk on her face.
Sinking down a little further, a deep sigh immediately escapes me. "It's not important," I shrug, raising both brows on accident... she doesn't like when I do that.
"Is she nice? Funny?" She lingers, biting down on her lower lip. "Is she pretty?" Her tone grows much softer, eyes still burning into the core of my own.
I can feel my heart start pounding as my mind begins to race.
Stevie is all of those things and more... It's been a long time since I've met a woman like her and even though it's easy to express, I can't tell my wife that. I can not tell her that I think I'm in love with someone else, whether she wants to hear that or not.
"She's..." I don't know what to say, "She's fun." I regret that as soon as it leaves my mouth... She's much more than just "fun." She's one of a kind.
Nodding her head, Jenny winks softly. "I don't want to push you," she laughs a little, a gentle sigh filling the air around us. "But I will be able to worry less knowing that you will be taken care of, Lindsey."
