~Stevie~
Staring up at the bedroom ceiling, I repeat his words in my mind over and over again for what feels like the millionth time in the last week. He told me how hard it is to love someone who doesn't love you back and I can't help but understand exactly what he means by that.
I felt like I was loving someone who didn't love me in the same ways for years. I was always the one saying it, showing it and even begging for it. I used to do everything I could think of to get some appreciation from my husband. I would plan out romantic evenings for just the two of us almost once a week, just as my doctor had encouraged during our sessions and I'd choose special getaway destinations in hopes we would find some way to fall in love all over again, just like in all those cheesy movies. I wanted to prove that I was worthy of his affection, even though I knew deep down that it really wasn't worth it.... I knew that after everything we'd been through in our marriage that no amount of date nights and flowers would fulfill all the same emotions we had when we first got married.
It isn't fair, nor fun to chase after something that someone has already ended without your approval, so I can sympathize with him when he says things like that... I know what it's like trying to love someone who doesn't return the feelings, or the gestures. I've been in that place- I've tried and it's failed.
Marriage is a game. And most people won't admit that, but it's true . It's a game of give and take, no matter how you look at it, or what side you're on... You're either the one taking, or you're the one giving. I suppose that sometimes, if you're really lucky, you're doing a healthy amount of both.
I don't know exactly what side of the playing field Lindsey was opt to join in his marriage- the taking or the giving, but it isn't hard to tell that whatever he was doing in the years leading up to this, it wasn't making either of them happy.
No one wants to grow old unhappy.
We all dream of long, joyful, healthy marriages where the inevitable fate of hard work and a thousand let downs just doesn't exist. That's just not reality. I've met very few people who go through life consistently happy and I know even less people who share sixty year marriages where nothing but love was shown. It's challenging and I guess there are occasions where it just isn't worth it.
~Lindsey~
"Hello?" I half mumble, eyes still closed as I try to search for the alarm clock in the pitch dark to see what time is it.
"Did I wake you up?" Stevie's voice causes a gentle smile to tug at the corners of my mouth as I flip over on my side.... it's two in the morning.
"No, I was awake." I lie as I start to push myself up in bed. "Is everything okay?" I know calls that come in the middle of the night usually aren't too good and I can hear it in her voice- something's on her mind.
She really let me have it last weekend at the studio. She was furious that I didn't tell her that I was working with Joplin, or maybe she was just mad that she wasn't in the loop. It isn't hard to tell that she likes to be in control and I think it really bothered her that we knew something she didn't... I guess I just didn't think it was that big of deal.
"Well," She pauses for a short moment, a deep breath filling the phone before she replies. "I wasn't fair last week and I know that now." She admits, which I can sense wasn't the most simple thing she's ever done.
It isn't hard to tell that Stevie's independence is very important to her, even though I know, somewhere along the way that it was snatched from her grasp. She wasn't running the show in her marriage and that's what makes it so much more valuable now.
"I shouldn't have been so harsh, Lindsey." Stevie's tone has grown so gentle, I almost think she might be whispering. "I know that it's your job and I had no right to treat you as if you'd really done anything wrong."
"I should have told you." I know that telling her was the right thing to do, but a part of me just didn't think it was that important.
She starts to say something but pauses for a short second. "Are you really getting a divorce?" I think she needs the reassurance that she isn't wrecking anyone's life.
She needs to know that she isn't ruining a marriage- the marriage was already over.
"I'm getting a divorce, yeah." I assure as my eyes wander towards the moon sitting high in the sky. "But it's for the best, Stevie." I add, only because deep down, I know it's true.
"I really care about you and..." I can hear her let out a deep breath, "I would really like it if you came over for dinner to meet my children properly, but you don't have to, of course." She assures, almost like I would say no.
Chuckling lightly, my eyes fall closed softly. "I would love that, Stevie." She's all I've thought about in the last week... I really am in love with her and I want to spend a lot more time together, so if she's willing to let me in a little by little- I'm thrilled.
"But there's one thing I need before we take that step." She has a way of hiding her emotions- I can tell she wants this, but she's nervous to let someone else in and that's okay for now.
I'm willing to fight to make this work.
"Anything," I want to make sure we're going into this strong. Whatever she needs to hear, I'll make sure it comes out clear.
"I need to talk to Jenny."
