Trailing through the dark room, I try my hardest to stay as quiet as possible in hopes I don't wake either of the girls, or anyone else in the house for that matter.
All the kids decided to spend the night, or "maybe a couple," which makes my mama heart happy. I like having them all here, especially when things seem so rocky and so unpredictable. It makes me feel better just knowing that they're tucked away safe just down the hallway, like they were when they were little.
I miss that. I miss the simplicity of those days.
Letting out a deep sigh, I journey down the staircase, fixing the flowers lining the rail once I make it to the bottom.
It's still really early in the morning, or really late at night... however you choose to look at it. Either way, it's still dark, which seems to really fit the mood.
I tried to sleep, I tried for hours, but I couldn't get comfortable and not because Lori's leg was propped up against my back, surprisingly. No, instead I just couldn't stop thinking about Lindsey... Another sleepless night due to my own insecurities.
I talked to him the other morning and I told him what had happened, which is basically it. I wasn't in the mood to discuss anything more in depth and I certainly didn't invite him to the funeral, nor the service, though he did send some flowers along with two dozen other people... My house is crawling with potted plants and hanging baskets.
Letting out another sigh, I take a seat on the accent chair in the living room, where the blue glow from the nightly news still circulates throughout the room. I'm glad to know that my children still don't turn off the television before they go to bed- some things just never change.
~Lindsey~
Pushing open the front door, I slip into the dark foyer. We spent all night in the studio, passing a bottle of Don Julio around the room as we listened to tracks on repeat for hours.
"Shit," I mumble, kicking shoes out of the way to get to the phone that just started ringing. "Hello?" Holding the phone up to my ear, I lean into the counter as my head starts pounding.
"Did I wake you up?" Her voice still sounds so weak... maybe even more so than it did the other day.
"No, you didn't." Pinching the bridge of my nose to stop the constant thumping. It's not working well though. "Are you okay?" Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I pull a bar stool out to take a seat.
I can hear her sigh heavily and I know that it's not going to be good. That kind of deep breath never is. "Lindsey, I think we need to stop seeing one another." Her words cause my stomach to drop as the pounding moves from my head to my chest.
"Please, don't say that." My knee starts bouncing up and down as I stare aimlessly at the china sitting safely in the cabinet across the room.
"I- I'm sorry." She stutters, a little whine following her words.
"Can I come see you?" I have to see her... I have to see her eyes to know that she's serious- that she means that.
"I don't think that's a good idea," I can tell that she's crying, I can hear it in the way her voice cracks and then grows incredibly soft.
"Please, Stevie." I repeat, not trying to be pushy but I know I won't ever be able to rest again if this is how we leave things... If she really, seriously doesn't want this anymore- I have to hear it in person.
She grows quiet for a short second, probably trying to come up with a good excuse to not see me, or maybe not- who knows. "Okay," she finally agrees, which is like a million pounds lifted off my shoulders.
Once we end the call, I chug a bottle of water in hopes I'll sober up a little, even though I'm not totally fucking blasted or anything like that. But I still don't want to go see her with a foggy mind, especially in a time like this.
And I end up spending the entire drive there trying to think about what I want to say to her, or what I want to tell her.
I love her, I really do, because it's just hard not to. She's one of those women that only appears once in a lifetime... Stevie is rare- the most unique woman I've ever met. And I'm not just saying that- I really think it.
I'm in love. I am head over heels for her, even when there are a million things trying to pull us apart.
By the time I pull down the driveway, the sun is just barely breaking through the horizon. Stevie's already sitting outside on the concrete step, in her silky black nightgown with a shawl wrapped around her shoulders as a long blonde braid dangles on the side.
God, she's beautiful.
"Well, good morning." I half smirk as I slide out of the drivers side.
"Good morning," she lets off a weak smile, "I didn't mean to disturb you this early." She raises an eyebrow lightly, brown eyes melting into mine.
Sliding my hands into my pockets, I slouch to one side awkwardly. "How have you been?" I know it's probably been a hard week and the last thing I want to do is upset her anymore than she is already is... That's not fair to her.
Looking from me, up to the morning sun, she starts biting on her lower up. "It's been a really rough couple of days." She admits with a soft shrug and a weak frown.
Shaking my head lightly, "I'm sorry, Stevie." I don't know the pain, but I can almost feel it just by the glare in her eyes and the lines that have formed around her lips... They make her look sad and tired.
She wraps her tan shawl around herself a little tighter as a gust of wind blows through. "Lindsey," she begins, tears filling the brims of her eyes immediately. "We can't do this anymore." She whispers, chest falling heavily.
Swallowing hard, I can feel my shoulders drop. "I know this is hard, but I really love you, Stevie." I have to tell her that, even if it's something she doesn't want to hear at the moment.
"You need to love your wife," she protests, pushing herself up off the step to stand, barefoot on the cement.
Creasing a brow lightly, "Where is that coming from all of a sudden?" I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, but... We've spent the last three months hanging out and not once has the question of me loving my wife arisen, nor did I ask if she loved her husband.
"I don't want you to wake up one day and regret this," she motions from me back to herself. "I don't want you to regret me, Lindsey." She adds, a few little tears rolling down her cheeks.
"I will never regret this." I haven't loved anyone this hard in forever and I know for a fact, that I will never "regret" anything that has happened with her.
Her hand falls on my chest gently as she inches in closer. "You have so much to focus on. I mean, a new grandchild and a music career and a ton of other really important things to occupy your time." She isn't looking at me, well not at my face at least. "And I have to spend some time figuring out who I am." She adds, orbs finally melting into mine.
"I'll see you again, right?" I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that this is her way of saying goodbye... It's pretty harsh if it is.
Nodding lightly, "If our paths are meant to cross again, then of course." She whispers, hand moving up to my cheek.
"You make this hard." Letting my hands circle the small of her back, my forehead meets hers.
Closing her eyes tight, she sinks into my a little more. "Take care of yourself."
