Always There - Part 2 || Greta Van Fleet

Chapter 232: If That's What You Want

I didn't sleep much that night, constantly tossing and turning after suddenly being jolted awake from the nightmare that could have been; an instant flash of headlights through the driver's side window, the crashing of metal, the shattering of glass, everything happening in what felt like slow motion, all the while I was just left there to watch, as if floating above the scene, unable to move, unable to stop it.

I knew I should have tried harder, I shouldn't have let him leave. I couldn't help but blame myself that Josh was now sitting up in that hospital, but I was thankful he was at least going to leave it alive. It made me realize that I hadn't even asked how the other driver was. For all I know, their fate had been much worse.

But in those few terrifying moments, nothing and no one else mattered but him. For the past few months, my life was set and I was ready to live the rest of it with him, and in the blink of an eye everything just.. changed. And now I was left here wondering what I was going to do. What could I do? He had left me, telling me to be with Jake. And now I was, partly.

But even still I thought about him.
And I knew that I would.
For a long time.

I carefully reached over for my end table, grabbing my phone, peeking to see if he had sent me anything else, perhaps lonely once Sam had finally fallen asleep, but no such luck. Knowing him, I'm sure he was still awake.

Jaime: how are you feeling?

I peeked over at Jake, only to see him still passed out, his hair halfway covering his face, gently blowing with every deep exhale he let out. I couldn't help but smile. He was so cute when he slept, the occasional subtle grin escaping his lips that left me wondering what he could be dreaming about.

I always wondered what he dreamt about, praying that at some point I hopefully made an appearance.

My heart jumped at the feeling of my phone vibrate.
Josh: I'm okay now that Sam finally fell asleep lol
Josh: how are you?

I couldn't help but smile. He was the one sitting up in the hospital right now, but he was asking me how I was feeling?

Jaime: I'd feel better knowing you were home.
Josh: me too. but I'm okay. don't worry <3
Jaime: so. what are your plans for tomorrow? lol
Josh: you're still coming to get me, right?
Jaime: of course.
Josh: then I guess whatever you want. Though, preferably things I can do with one leg lol
Jaime: relax. you still have both of your legs.

As much as I loved how we could joke around about it now, that didn't change just how worried I was, and the relief of him being okay still hadn't fully sunken in.

Jaime: I'm so happy you're okay.
Josh: me too <3
Josh: I'm happy you weren't with me. I don't know what I would've done.
Jaime: you know it wouldn't have happened at all if you just stayed home.

He was quiet for a moment, the typing bubbles constantly disappearing and reappearing.

Josh: I should've stayed with you.
Josh: in every sense.

I felt my cheeks burn, my heart now starting to race.

Josh: I'm so sorry, Jaime. I really thought I was doing what was best for you. I thought that was what you wanted, but you just didn't want to hurt my feelings.
Jaime: you thought I'd marry you just so I wouldn't hurt your feelings lol?
Josh: yes lol

I peeked back over, checking to see if Jake was still asleep. Part of me felt guilty talking to Josh like this now. Things were already moving fast with Jake again, and I could feel him truly starting to open up to me, something I've wanted from him since the beginning. So the last thing I wanted to do was give him any reason not to trust me. If this was something we were really going to try again, he deserved that from me.

Jaime: you should get some sleep.
Josh: Jake tell you to put your phone away lol?
Jaime: no he's sleeping lol I don't want to wake him up
Josh: then turn your ringer off

I bit down on my lip, trying to contain my smile.

Josh: I'm sure he's thrilled about all of this
Jaime: yeah he loves that you're in the hospital lol
Josh: not that part.

I knew what he meant.

Jaime: you should really get some sleep lol
Josh: you don't want to talk about him lol got it.
Jaime: I don't think YOU want to talk about him.

He was quiet again.

Josh: I don't. But I also can't ignore the fact that I know he's in bed with you right now and it's driving me insane.

My heart jumped.

Josh: it should be me there with you, but I know that this is all my fault. And I'm sorry. I'll say it a million times. But that doesn't change how I feel about you.
Jaime: it seemed pretty easy to just let me go then
Josh: that was the hardest thing I have ever done. but if anything, that should just prove to you how much you mean to me. whatever it took, I just wanted you to be happy.
Jaime: but I WAS happy. All I wanted was for us to finally have our family like I always dreamed of, and you took that all away.
Josh: we could still have that, Jaime.
Josh: If that's what you want.

If that's what I want.

Of course that was what I wanted. That was what I had always wanted, but now I couldn't deny the idea of him lingering over me, never knowing when he was just going to up and change his mind again. What if he decided I wasn't happy after we had a family. There was no way I could ever do this alone. But I was ready for that with him, I was excited about the idea of that with him.

But somehow over the span of these past few days, my once permanent daydreams slowly started to change, morphing into this new version of my own fairytale, my prince in shining armor suddenly changing into the boy who had never once imagined ever living such a life, but now he dreamt along side me, and as scary as it once was, I now felt safe within this world of make believe with him, feeling secure in his reassurances like a tight hug, always refusing to be the first to let go.

Sure there were moments with Jake that were difficult, but no matter what happened, he never left. And after everything, Josh knew that was one of my biggest fears. So for him to do that, to rip the rug right out from underneath me, blindsiding me with his decision to leave..

It was impossible to shake the feeling.

Jaime: I WANT you to go to sleep lol
Josh: got it.
Jaime: we're coming back early tomorrow morning and I know how you get when you don't get enough sleep. I don't want to see HIM tomorrow lol
Josh: oh, you don't miss him lol?
Jaime: not even a little bit.

He was quiet again, I knew, trying his best to keep his quiet laughter contained, not wanting to wake up Sam and have to explain his sudden outburst.

Josh: okay, I'll let you go. But when you're ready, if you're ever ready, I really want to talk about this. I don't want you to think that this was easy for me to do. This killed me, Jaime. My entire life, all I had ever wanted was for us to be together. But if there was ever somewhere else you wanted to be, it would be cruel of me to keep you, if that wasn't what you wanted. I love you and I will always love you, no matter what happens between us. But if there's any chance of us ever being US again, then I'll do whatever it takes to make you trust me again. I was ready then, and I'm ready now. It was never about that. I need you to know how badly I wanted those tests to be positive too, and every negative hurt me just as much as it hurt you. I'm sorry there is nothing I can do, but I know it'll happen when the time is right. If I can give you anything, I hope it's that. I'll see you tomorrow <3

I read it over and over, feeling my heart beat faster now wondering how I was supposed to go to sleep after that. But eventually my eyelids grew heavy, and I was left dreaming about him once again.