Chasing Happiness: Volume 2: Yours Always (Criminal Minds: Spencer Reid Fanfic)

Part 3

It's been about an hour since Alannah was taken into surgery. Well by my estimate it was an hour, truth be told, time is a distant concept right now; all I care about is Alannah. All of the team are here apart from Garcia and Cruz; but they are on their way along with Alan. I was dreading seeing him. Having to be nice to him, I would have to try and pretend to give a damn about how he felt.

I don't know how I am meant to do that when all I want to do is pull my gun out and shoot him in the head. I can't help but feel like he is somehow to blame. I know it sounds insane, he was nowhere near us, but if it hadn't have been for him, Alannah would have been ok telling me about the baby, I wouldn't have gotten mad at her, I could have convinced her not to go out onto the field, she wouldn't be fighting for her life now and we might still have our baby. But then I'm also blaming myself, I could have handled the news better, I could have stopped her from running off or I could have went with her. I could have stopped this somehow.

"Hey kid, you alright?" The deep voice catches me by surprise. I look up to see Morgan standing in front of me with a coffee and some napkins. "Thought you might need these."

"Thanks." I say as I take the coffee and napkins, I didn't even notice that my hands were still covered in Alannah's blood, I've been scared to move in case I miss news about Alannah. I use one of the napkins wipe try to scrub the blood from my hands as Morgan takes a seat next to me. The blood won't come off, I have Alannah's blood on my hands and it won't come off no matter how much I scrub.

"Reid stop, the blood is dry, it won't come off that easy. Here take this." Morgan hands me a bottle of water. I soak some napkins with the water and the blood starts to come off. For some reason this feels worse, it's like I'm washing my hands clean from her. I didn't even notice that I was crying until I tasted the salt on my lips. I wipe the tears away with my blood soaked hands but not the blood was on my face, I was making things worse which makes me lose control of my emotions and break down.

"Come on Reid, it's ok to cry but you know she's a strong woman, she's gonna get through this and so are you." Morgan tries to reason with me while pulling me into what was meant to be a comforting hug.

"You don't know that. Anything could happen to her, she could bleed out, she could have a reaction to the medication, she could get an infection." manage to cry out between sobs.

"Reid, you can't over think this, it will drive you even more insane."

"That's my thing Morgan, you have your fitness and strength, and I have my brain and my thinking. That's me, it's who I am. When I stop thinking this happens, I fall for someone and they end up getting hurt. Why do the ones I love always end up hurt?"

"This isn't your fault kid."

"What am I meant to do if she dies Morgan? I barely made it through Maeve's death, I can't go through something like that again. I don't know what I'm would do without her."

"Hopefully you won't need to find out." Morgan rests a reassuring hand on my shoulder. I know it was a sign to make me feel better but at this point I don't think there's anything that could make me feel better.

"I need some air." I get up from the seat that I had been sat in for what seemed like hours.

"Want some company?"

"No, I just need to be by myself right now." I brush Morgan off and ignore the calls of the rest of the team while I hurry to get away from the world. Ignoring the strange looks from strangers as I run past the covered in blood and tears.

***

"Where am I?" I think aloud as I stand in a corridor. It looks clinical and bright, am I in a hospital? I look down on myself to find myself wearing a crisp white, floor length dress. The skirt of the dress flows slightly as a light breeze flows through the corridor. I begin to walk towards a door at one end of the corridor, my bare feet slap against the tiled floor, but my feet aren't cold. Even in a light dress with a breeze blowing I don't feel any coldness. Why am I dressed in a fancy white dress with no shoes on in a hospital corridor? Wasn't I chasing after an unsub ho had kidnapped a little girl? Where were they? What happened to the little girl?

I walk through the door to see Spencer running past me in tears. "Spencer, Spencer what's wrong." I grab Spencer's wrist but my hand just slips as he runs past me. "What's going on?" I look towards the direction from where Spencer was running from to see the team looking worried. "Hotch, what's going on? Where are we?" I ask as I walk towards the team. "Hotch what's wrong with Spencer? Why is he crying?"

"Poor Spence? I don't think he can cope losing someone else that he loves." JJ says as she walks over to join Hotch who is looking in the direction that Spencer went in. I'm standing right in front of him but it's as if he couldn't see me, he's looking right through me. I'm not hard to miss in this dress. Seriously, what the hell is the deal with this dress?

"What do you mean lose someone else he loves? JJ what the hell is going on? Why won't anyone answer me?" I shout, begging for someone to answer me but it's as if no one can hear or see me, almost like I'm not here.

"I'll go see if I can find out any more news on Alannah." Rossi's voice is sad as he walks away to the reception desk.

"Find out information on me? What information? I'm right here, why won't anyone answer me?" I scream, my voice growing raspy as I fight back tears of fear, not wanting to face the truth that was right in front of me.

I run to catch up with Rossi as he reaches the reception desk. "Can I help you sir?" A little blond haired girl who is mostly hidden behind the desk asks quite perkily.

"Is there any information on Alannah McKay?" Rossi asks, his voice and expression is stressed, why is everyone so upset? "She was brought in after being shot in the abdomen."

"What?" the word escapes my mouth as a whisper as I hear Rossi's words but I can't believe them.

"She's still in surgery sir." The perky receptionist says with a sorry look on her face.

"No I'm not, I'm right here." I bang my hands down on the desk as I shout wanting everyone to see me, see that I'm ok. "Rossi please, tell me you can hear me." I beg as tears stream down my eyes, I pull at Rossi's arm but it's as if he can't feel my touch.

"They can't hear you sweet heart." A sweet familiar voice comes from behind me. I turn to look at who had finally noticed me. As soon as I see her face, that sweet smile, the brown hair and blue eyes that I had inherited from her.

"Mum." If I wasn't confused before I sure as hell am now. "It can't be, you're dead." I look at her, hoping that she would disappear, or that I would wake up and everything would be ok. That I could run away with Spencer and be happy, plan for our baby and have a happy life together.

"I am, and right now, you're hovering on the line between life and death. That's why you can see everything that's going on here and you can see me but they can't see you."

"No, this isn't real, you're dead, I saw you being beaten to death by your brother. Then Niamh took the blame and she killed herself because of it. First I lost Keeva, then dad started abusing me. You could have stopped it but you didn't."

"Alannah."

"No, don't even try, I don't want to see you just leave me alone." I don't give my illusion a chance to argue, I run off down the corridor in the direction that Spencer ran off in. I had to find him, I needed to see him, he is the only one that can make me feel better.

I stop by a window when I see him outside, the man I love, the father of my unborn child. And he's looking directly at the man who makes me feel sick to my stomach, the one who beats me for not doing what he wants. Spencer was looking straight into Alan's eyes, staring him down. My only reassurance was that Garcia and Cruz were there to stop anything from happening. I hope...