Love Like Yours 💙 - A Hankcon Story

Chapter 27: Love and Loss

The ride home was pretty quiet but that was to be expected, both were exhausted.
Though it didn't stop Hank from racking his brain through all the things he could say to Connor. He needed to talk to him; there was nothing denying that anymore.
Hank's POV
Hey Con, I know these last few months.. things have been extremely hectic but there's holidays coming up soon and I never do anything anymore.. without Cole here-
God fucking dammit I can't say that shit! I sound so stupid. Even if it might be relaxing for him it would still be too far away; I could lose him before then if I don't get my shit together. Secondly what right do I have to ask him to go anywhere with me when I can't even explain how I feel. Rubbing my head in frustration I can feel his soft but very direct gaze on me. "Yes Connor?" I can't help but slightly smirk seeing his LED flash in surprise that I noticed him. "You.. You just seem like something is on your mind Hank." LED stabilizing back to blue he thinks nothing to lay his hand on his leg softly. "I'm always here if you need to talk to me. Since I'm a machine I don't need sleep or to eat and drink so I could listen to you for hours on end." He laughs slightly, "Though humans aren't that resilient; you need those things to survive but that does not change the fact stated before. I'm always here for you Hank, promise." Connor hummed that last word softly and rubbed Hank's leg gently before pulling away to look out the window again. It's funny how he'll do that, give me the space to open up yet never pushes it.
Connor- I- I know I left you with so many questions and there's so much I want to tell you but I can't. I know you've accepted I can't but I wish you could understand how badly I want to.
Connor's POV
Today was exhausting. I never understood Hank's constant complaining of being tired at work but I am starting to get an idea of what feeling tired is. It's just odd it's not my body but my mind. Amanda.. Chris' question.. it all played repeatedly in my memories. A relationship with anyone seems unlikely for me, maybe that's why I answered so hesitantly? I just don't understand why it should matter so much. Is it no different than two humans or two machines dating?
He sighed breaking the silence even for just a moment. "Lieutenant?.. How did you know it when you fell in love with someone?" Hank was extremely caught off guard by his question, not knowing what to say. "Fuck Con where'd ya get that- Shit I don't know- I just have a feeling." "I see.. a feeling." Connor's LED flashed yellow. Hank pulls up to their house and pauses for a little while. "Hank?" Connor looks at him puzzled. Hank takes a breath, feeling slightly embarrassed "..A feeling of warmth, safety, and deep compassion. This feeling that I want to protect them and never let anyone hurt them. When they do hurt I just want to do anything to help them, be there for them. There can also be a a longing feeling that you'll always care for them and it's love no doubt. You can find that in many ways but to fall in love.. it kinda feels like magic in a way. Then even if you don't work out, you're still happy for them. You still want to see them grow even if it's not with you." He spoke almost passionately to Connor to his surprise. It was captivating for him, a little too much maybe as a blue tint spread throughout his cheeks flowing through the dark car as he embarrassingly tries to hide it. "Don't worry, there's nothing to be embarrassed about Con. Whatever you're feeling and for whoever is completely natural and fine. Though I'll be honest with ya falling in love can hurt a lot and it can make you wonder what's the fuckin point of it but when you find someone you can go through life together with, it's worth it." Patting his shoulder to ease the tension he motioned them inside so they could get ready for the night. "C'mon I'm sure Sumo's ready to see us."

** time skip of dinner and shower **

Connor's POV
Connor felt that he wasn't going to be able to go into stasis for a while so he got up from the couch and started walking to his room. He figured he'd not bother and tell him goodnight but as he passed the bathroom door it opened quickly.
Hank's hair was still dripping wet like he didn't even bother to dry it and his shirt was inside out. "In a hurry for something Lieutenant?" He teased. "Shit- no I just needed to talk to you! I didn't think you'd head to bed so quickly.." He felt embarrassed now. Connor's eyes softened slightly, "I wasn't, I was just going to sit in there because you are tired. Though you seem to have found your energy." He  smirks, "Come on, let's go back a couple steps okay?" "Don't talk to me like I'm a fuckin child. I'm older than you!" He grumpily snapped back. "Then I'd think you'd have no problem making sure you're dry and have your shirt on correctly; now it's soaked." He playfully scolded him. "It's not a big deal. You shouldn't have gone to bed without saying goodnight then I wouldn't have rushed out there." Connor smiled down at him while grabbing the towel to dry his hair and then goes to grab him another shirt. He smiles as he hands it to him. "I'll be sure to keep that in mind next time Hank."
Things about Hank:
Be sure to tell Hank goodnight. He appreciates it.
. . .
"When you've changed I'll be in here and we can talk." As he left Hank couldn't help but feel his heart warm. It still felt weird, like a feeling he hasn't felt in what seemed like forever.
Connor smiled when Hank sat beside him. He enjoyed seeing him in the different shirts he'd pick out for him. "What did you want to discuss with me Hank?" It all came rushing back to him suddenly. All his worries and concerns; with the main issue of not knowing how to bring it up. "Connor.. I know this may seem stupid and you're probably going to dismiss me immediately because you're a machine capable of so much; a very strong resilient one at that but..." Connor stared at him with anticipation and curiosity. Hank sighs, "I'm really worried about you Connor." "Why Hank? I mean I do appreciate your concern for me but there's no reason-" "You're wrong. I know what you are and how amazing it is seeing your potential but.. you're not indestructible! Dammit Connor!" His voice broke a little and he could no longer look at him. "I don't know what's causing you so much stress but you don't have to do it alone. I was an asshole when we met and still can be even when I try not to. I don't blame you for still thinkin' that of me but I mean it when I say you've helped me find myself again and understand myself so much more. You're not someone I can imagine losing. I've lost so much and thinking of it happening to you too and that I didn't do anything to help or protect you! It fuckin' sucks and I feel so pathetic not even being able to look at you when I brought this up. Fuck, I just want to help now more than ever." Connor felt a little shy because of his concern. He was also extremely curious how Hank was even aware of his stress and why it has him so upset? I've been in extremely stressful situations plenty of times but maybe that's why this is so different feeling.. should I tell him then? Would that ease his worry?
"Connor come on it's not the time to run out of charge!" Connor laughed slightly and blushed. "Hank.. I want you to know that it's worth it. The 'stress' I feel when I'm around you.. it's not a bad feeling to me. I've felt stress as you call it and difficult situations you'd describe as that and none of that felt this way. I'm not sure what it is honestly." He blushed softly and looked away.
He gripped his shoulders tightly in his hands. "Why won't you get that it's not worth it.. It's not worth it at all if you die Connor! Don't you get that?! There's no other you! Not to me." Hank desperately pleads as Connor's gaze stayed softened. "I know Hank. I've tried so hard to ignore it but I can't anymore." "Good.. Okay well we don't have to anymore. Nines was the only reason I knew you were so stressed, he told me about what happened in the office and I just-" "Wait the office and the rose? This is about that.." Connor feels an intense feeling of embarrassment and pain. "I'm so stupid. I apologize sincerely Hank I misunderstood you. Can you please explain what he told you to me?" He wanted to leave but found himself holding back and listening to him explain. He sighs with realization at the situation, "Amanda.. She seems to still have a extreme hold on me. Markus believes it's similar to something humans can experience after a extremely stressful and difficult event; trauma." We've seen it in deviants before but to know she still has this power over me even still is difficult and concerning to say the least."
"She has no power over you kid. She quite literally disappeared without a trace like she was never really there right? Well look who's still right here." He fixes his jacket and smiles. "You can overcome that and her. I have no doubts at all." Noticing he's blushing again, Connor felt so angry with himself. He knew that this was it, he couldn't keep hoping anymore..
"Hank.. are you in love with me?"
"Connor I-" "I know I said I wouldn't bring it up again but the way you spoke earlier in the car and the concern you showed for me.. I feel the same with you and I don't understand it and I can't if you don't help me.." Hank looks at him wishing things could be different. I'm sorry Con but I can't keep hurting you. "You're right.. and you deserve an answer at this point." Hank sighs, "Yes Connor I am but I can't be with you. I don't want to hurt you and you might not want to hear it now but you're young and have so much time to spend your life. Don't waste it with me.. You've fought so much to just exist and I want to see you be able to experience everything you want and deserve." Connor looked sadly at him. "Nothing with you will ever be a waste to me, no matter what you say Lieutenant. Though I can do nothing but continue to try and understand." "I don't want to lose you Connor, I just want you to find someone who will truly give you what you deserve." He scoffs, "What do I really deserve? You're so worried to lose me you won't give it a chance and risk losing me another way." "And it's going to kill me inside but when you're better off and it'll have been worth that you'll understand!" Connor gets up frustratedly, "You're so fucking stubborn. Fine, have it your way." He goes off with Hank trying to follow quickly behind. "Connor! Dammit come on, I know it's upsetting but-" Connor turns around aggressively causing Hank to get slightly intimidated. "Let me guess it's for the better, for me right? How can you tell what's best for me? Are you sure it's not just what's best for you because to me that's all it is and if that's the case it's perfectly fine honestly but don't pretend like it's for me." He shuts his door as his LED instantly turns red. Leaving Hank with those piercing words Connor spoke full of anger and hurt.

*Hank's POV*
I feel I deserved that. I'm just- I'm sorry Connor. I'm truly sorry..

💕Authors Note:✍🏻
Hii all I'm so so sorry this chapter took so long to get out! I went through writers block sorta then just lack of motivation and mental health stuff but I'm back!! I know sad chapters dammit I just want them happy but we still have so much more of this story to go and rollercoasters of emotions to feel but I feel it'll all be worth it in the end and I hope you guys feel the same! Thank you for your support and patience! I'll be back to writing more regularly again now :3