doomed

Chapter 7

Chapter 7
It was around 10pm when I got back home, I had trained for 3 hours and talked with shane for another.

I smoked a joint that had been rotting on my backseat since probably 2019 when I sat down on my balcony after a fat shower.

It had felt so good to let everything out. I loved boxing because of that. It felt like I could finally feel something.

Even more so in sparring and fights. I usually felt so empty. Nothing scared me, whatever happened just happened. I had adapted that mindset since I was younger.

Boxing had made it worse but then again, gave me a way to feel. When I stepped in the ring I felt nervous, proud, sometimes worried, confident, furious and so full of adrenaline.

The whole process leading up to one too. The weight cut alone. Starving myself for says on end, sitting in the sauna sweating off the last pounds. Feeling my heart burn when I get out my fifth hot bad.

It felt so terrible but so good at the same time. The suffering.

Was I insane? Sometimes I really considered it. But really who wasn't. I think you needed to be to do boxing. Even if you didn't have fights. Every boxer had their story, and every single one was a little more messed up than the other.

Just that no one talked about theirs. Everyone knew how fucked everyone was but no one would admit to it.

Trainer told me once, after I had moved to england, I shouldn't cry because it's for the weak. We all got out story but we need to handle it different than cry.

Since then I couldn't anymore. In the beginning It had been hard. When I was a child I had always been a big crier. Never in public of course, my father would have killed me, but in my room?

I was scared of everything and everyone. For me they were all using me. I mean they were, I wasn't wrong, I could have just handled it differently.

Nowadays it was different. The only thing I was scared of was failure, and I would never let myself fail.

So it really wasn't as scary. And even if I was scared, or sad, or felt whatever emotion there was. I wouldn't cry.

I had taught myself that. Whenever I wanted to I suppressed it. Turned it into anger, let it out on my opponent, buckle it up for my next fight.

It was always a game of how can I get as angry as possible. Sometimes it felt like I was a machine summoning shit to build some cool device.

I really needed to figure out which one.

I was really high I could tell. Whatever stuff I was smoking at 14 was definitely stronger than the stuff I got now.

I felt myself zone off every few seconds as I tried watching the cars down on fifth ave. They looked like little ants with eyes to me.

Maybe they really were, chances stood against me though. I decided to go inside since I was exhausted anyway and would fall asleep in the next few minutes.

I dropped onto the bed looking at the suitcases in the front. I still needed to unpack them.

Once again, tomorrow.

I turned to the side feeling my eyes close again. I managed to set my phone alarm to 8am deciding first period could be skipped.

Second day in school and already high and too late, what a man.

I fell asleep at 12.35am, or maybe earlier. Phone said 12.30 when I closed it.

8.00am came quicker than I wanted it to and soon got exchanged for 9.00 and then 10.00. At 10.30 I actually got up and slowly changed into my uniform.

I washed my face with ice water and brushed my teeth.

At 11.15 I arrived in school sitting down in the cafeteria. Break would start in 5 minutes so was unnecessary to go in.

I checked the picture of my block table. Marketing.

Oh dear lord shoot me in the head.

I should have checked that before deciding to come here. Now I was too lazy to leave again though, maybe I'd find something else to waste my time with.

I definitely had something in mind. I grinned at that and dropped down in the back of the room, right where I could look over the whole cafeteria. Not specifically looking for anyone, or was I?

Maybe.

She walked in a few minutes later, holding the hand of mr pretty boy. His eye had changed colors to more of a yellowish, green tone. It gave me satisfaction, then again I also wanted to punch it purple. Just looked too good on him.

I got out my water bottle taking a small sip as I watched her sit down. Yesterday she had looked at me. Would she today? I watched her back turn on me facing the cafeteria door. Her hair was curled at the bottom and half of it put up.

Looked good from across here. I let my eyes zone to Evan who was standing at the cashier. Piece of shit.

Not late after, Cassies friend Lyric walked in hugging her tightly. Girls greetings were always interesting to me.

You could immediately tell how well they liked each other by how they greeted.

A hug, nothing special just good friends.
A long hug with excessive touching close friends.
A smile, awkward in-between of we know each other and friends.
I'd go on but that seemed boring.

They both sat down and Evan came over too. Perfect little triplet you could think. I was so excited to see him sit alone.

I looked away when I saw Jack walk in, a good friend of mine. He was a deep deep lover boy always falling for a new girl. At the moment it was Jina, 17 years old and brunette. Looked good walking besides him.

They definitely matched well.

He came over and we shared hands.
Shared hands what the fuck.
We shook hands, that's better.

"Where were you?"
"I was here the whole time don't know what you mean"
He grinned and sat down, we started talking  for a bit and he told me about how lovely it was being with J.

Didn't fully convince me after he said they only had sex twice. They were dating for 2 months. The whole time just twice?

But you do you.

I felt myself zone to different places whenever he spoke too highly of her. Drifting to right behind him.

The next time they did, Cassie and Evan were gone. Her friend was alone talking on the phone. Maybe the boy she was dating.

How much had Cassie even told me what the fuck. I had just realized that.

There was more I knew about her friend than I knew about her honestly. I needed that to change, quickly.

And it would.

Evan if I was you, I'd sleep with both eyes open man.