doomed

Chapter 46

The rest of the day passed like hours had turned into minutes, as if time had been mixed up and somehow it all played in double speed.

I felt like a sim who was living in the tripple time thing, but the fact that maths went by quick and afternoon class got cancelled probably helped the situation.

The whole day had felt surreal in general.

I couldn't get over the fact that Kiernan and I were talking so normally to each other. A few weeks ago I hadn't even known him and now we were- dating?

I don't know if it all went too quickly, maybe it did.

We probably should have taken everything slower, waited for the breakup between me and Evan had passed for at least a month or two. But my desperation to be around him could not handle it.

It didn't matter if I tried to, and I had tried to in the beginning, I could not stay away from this guy with curly hair and tattoos all over his body.

Even now when I was laying in bed alone, trying to fall asleep all there was on my mind was him.

His sweet but dark smell, that reminded me of honey and cigarettes.

His dimples and the way he looked at me.

I could always feel his eyes linger on me.

In the second break I hadn't even seen him yet and I somehow felt his eyes on me. He had walked behind me, catching up after leaving the stairway.

I missed him a little bit, I knew I would be more comfortable if he was here with me right now. But I also didn't want to spend twenty four hours with him, I didn't want to get too attached again.

I wanted to keep this healthy and not depend on him for my feelings, but it was harder when it was one of my biggest habits.

I always got attached.

But I needed to at least try a little bit harder than usual, he had also encouraged me to do so and I knew he would be proud seeing me in-dependant.
Another thing I really liked about him; often I felt like I needed to make myself smaller for guys to like me.

Rather it was loosing weight or not having deep opinions on stuff.

I always tried to fit in the standards of the other person; if they liked thin people I would loose weight. If they liked thick girls, I would eat like crazy. If he had deep lying opinions I would adapt them no matter how much i disagreed.

I had always hated that about myself but never really got myself to change it.

With him I didn't feel like I needed to meet any standard.
He liked me exactly how I was right now, eating like I wanted to. Having my own opinions.

He didn't try to force me into a box I didn't want to fit in. He just appreciated me the way I was.

Somehow that sounded sad, maybe it was because honestly if anyone else would tell me about this, I would think that it's the bare minimum.

I guess I just never loved myself enough to expect it from other people.

So to see him pay some respect to who I was made me feel better, no matter how sad or foolish it sounded.

I picked up my phone from the nightstand, looking at the time: 12.34am.

Guess I definitely wasn't getting my 9 hours tonight.

But it was always like that, when I slept for so long one night I almost didn't sleep the next. I turned back on my back with the phone still in my hand. I clicked on his contact and send a single hey.