doomed

Chapter 58

At 2am we seemed to both be done for the night, our breaths still heaving as our bodies pressed closely to each other. I clinked onto her as if she was a piece of wood in the open sea.

Though it had only been a few days, I couldn't have imagined spending any more without her.
Of course she would leave again tomorrow but right now this was all I needed.

I felt like I finally had time to breath.

The last week had been one of the hardest in my life, training from 6am to 6pm. Only having short breaks to refuel my body and be prepped by a physiologist.

I knew it would all be worth it in a week, every drop of sweat, every hungry night, every hit in my stomach, every mental barrack I had to push through.

It would all combine on Saturday and with that I felt motivated, but it also made me feel scared. I tried not to doubt myself, be confident in my abilities but if you spend all day every day being corrected on even the tiniest mistakes you made; there was no way you could not doubt yourself.

Obviously it was good I was getting critique, I enjoyed it too. I loved knowing I was getting better, and by no means was it about my ego or something. My mind was just starting to wonder places it should not be going right now.

I did not have the time to think of failure, I did not have the mental capacity to leave any room for struggles.

But the thoughts were there and I could not shut them down.
No matter how tired I had been the last nights; most of them I could not fall asleep.

There were so many things on my mind, my body overreacting to any small stimulation it got because it was both so sleep and food deprived.

I had made weight now though, finally.

My body clinched to those last few pounds like I was doing to Cass right now. I felt unnatural lean too, I had put on lots of muscle throughout this year so getting to 80 had been harder than the previous times.

But I had made it now, one thing off my plate at least.

Cassie was sleeping already, at least she had her eyes closed and was breathing steadily. I stoke my hand through her hair softly, some of them sticking to her head.

Her beauty felt consuming. Still I was never satisfied no matter for how long I stared at her, I never wanted to lift my eyes because I knew there was nothing more beautiful to find.

She opened her eyes, leaning into my hand now resting on her cheek.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" "I should ask you that, I only sat in a plane for most of the day." I smiled at her, caressing her skin with my thumb.

"Thank you again" "You booked a private jet for me, I should be the one thanking you Alvaro."
I kissed her head, smiling to myself.

I had always preferred this name. My whole entire life had I wanted to be called Alvaro, it had been my father who had decided to make it my second name. Even trying to strike it out fully, it felt embarrassing to him that I wasn't completely American.

Now it felt weird telling people my name was actually Alvaro, Kiernan just had gotten normal and it wasn't that I hated it so unbelievably much, most days it was alright.
But having her say it, felt much more personal than Kiernan ever would.

"You're really sweet when you smile like that" "The dimples?" she nodded.
"Yeah I get that a lot" "by who?" "You"

Her eyes burned through me so hard it made me laugh. "Good safe" "Why? You're jealous Cass?" "Me? No."