doomed

Chapter 53

Though I knew he had to leave it still sucked more than I expected.

Already waking up the next morning felt awkward, to know he wasn't going to walk me to class or even be around at lunch. It just didn't feel right when he wasn't around.

Which was even weirder because there had been times when no one had walked me to class, even more so times where I had been alone with Blue and Lyric. I hadn't known him my entire life, still I missed him after knowing him for a few months.

Everything had honestly went so fast between us it was almost surreal, as if now that he wasn't around nothing of it actually happened.

While I was sitting in maths class, no clue what I actually had to do and with not even a book on my desk I got lost in my thoughts. What IF none of it had happened?

Would I still be with Evan? Would we have worked?
Probably not.

Most definitely not actually, but would I have ever gotten the courage to leave him? Probably not either.

I think that deep down I had always known that we weren't right for each other. I just needed someone in my life at that time because I had told myself that so often.

In my mind I had always thought that maybe love had to be this cruel, and he had clearly used that to have me sticking around. I had been his little dog to play with when he had been bored.

He hadn't loved me, and maybe I hadn't either.

I don't believe that I would have been able to move on so quickly if I had really deeply loved him. To imagine moving on from Kiernan, after only a month of really putting trust into each other, felt a lot worse than leaving Evan.

It made me think that maybe Love wasn't actually about the time you had spend with someone rather the quality of it. You could spend your whole life with someone and then meet someone new and they make you feel better in just a month.

Kiernan had changed a lot about my perspectives on life.

Who I should put my trust in, how to mourn and how to let things go.

Though I knew he didn't know much of it himself, somehow he had taught me more than anyone else. I wish I could help him moving on from the death of his friend.

He had told me that I had eased some of the pain he had felt and that in some way I had helped him put his trust in people again. But still I knew he hadn't moved on from her and maybe he never would.

It wasn't something I could force on him and somehow it was almost beautiful.

To know that someone had loved you so much that even years after your death they still think of you daily must be great. I had never felt like I could be worthy of that type of love.

Now adays I think differently.

I reckon that the right person would love me like that.
Kiernan had proved to me that I was worthy of receiving those flowers on a Saturday morning.

That I was worthy of getting a random call late at night on how much someone missed me.

That I was worthy of someone leaving me space to think and form my own opinion rather than forcing their own on mine.

He had shown me that I deserved not to be put in some box but that I in fact had my own will, my own personality and my own story and path to follow.

I had things to do and I should be able to accomplish them without feeling like I took away someone elses good image by working on myself.

Honestly it was sad how he had prove me all of this, it made me feel bad for whoever would come together with Evan in the future.

I hoped he would change for that person, work on himself before making someone else act small again to make him seem bigger.